I'm sorry I haven't written in a couple of days, I've been having a hard time being the least bit creative. But I guess I'll write now.
Last night, I was having an absolutely terrible time staying away from my blades. My cousin blackmailed me and said that if I don't go a week without cutting, she'd snitch to my dad. So, I did everything I could. I squeezed a cube of ice, I blasted My Chemical Romance, I tried writing, I finished homework, I even drew all over my left thigh in sharpie (it'll be fun taking that off...not). But I made it. Today is day seven and I am so proud of myself. Nobody else I've told really seems to care all that much, but it is such a big deal to me.
When I was just starting out, I could go months without cutting, but since I've gotten worse, I struggle with going a couple of hours without it. A week is amazing for me. I only wish that the reason I stayed clean was better than "I was blackmailed".
Today, in the locker room, I had to change into gym clothes and my friend saw my drawing on my leg. She asked what it was and I told her it was my "four a.m. celebration drawing of one week clean," she just kind of shrugged it off and went out. I don't know. I shouldn't have expected a parade, but it means so much to me.
Anyways, I'm afraid I'm going to ruin it now that I have nothing to lose. I miss it and honestly crave it so, so much.
My dad seems to be making peace with the idea that I'm suicidal and I'm accepting that a therapist will be helpful and beneficial to my mental health. There's a place where there are a whole bunch of doctors and therapists who treat suicidal kids and kids with mental disorders, but they only treat sixteen and up. That makes me feel like I'm an anomaly, something different and way weirder than the norm. I don't like it. I don't want to be the one who was suicidal at thirteen and fought for her life for years and missed her childhood, but I already am that girl and I don't know how to change that.
My girlfriend broke up with me. We had been in a long distance relationship and today would have been our third month anniversary. For a long time, we talked about making a future together and having a happy life at long last, but for the last few weeks, she'd been completely ignoring me. I asked her about it and she suggested we just be friends and maybe try in a couple of weeks. I don't know if that means for real or if it was just the nice thing to say. I cried for a really long time and came very close to cutting, but I just sat there and cried, numb and oblivious to everything.
I realize that I'm rambling and just saying things in a nonsensical and random order, but none of this is thought through. I'm just typing what I think, and it's helpful to know that I am able to spill whatever is bothering me.
I'll leave you with a poem I wrote in math today.
Beauty is surreal
A social construct made merely
To obliterate the harsh reality
That the only real thing in life
Is Pain
Life is a lie
A beautiful lie we tell ourselves
To cleanse our minds of morbid dreams
That remind us that the only way to leave
Is Pain
Security is falsity
A fake reminder that we are safe
To ward away the evil thoughts
That tell us that all this world is
Is Pain
It's not that good, but I like the rhythm and the meaning, not so much the wording.
~Emily
