Dreams come true

Chapter 9

Dinner was delicious and the restaurant was much quieter than before. But suddenly, I couldn't believe what had just happened.

Thank goodness, Hans wasn't around anymore, and Kristoff looked beaming with happiness. It was just amazing that I had really been involved to that point with that awesome man. His eyes, half covered by his bangs while he lowered his head in search of his burrito, accompanied me with every movement, and his jaw and his lips moved when he chewed, highlighting the careless shave that covered his cheeks. And, his smile... well, his smile would surface every time his mother or one of his relatives served us a new plate and I looked down at the ground, unable to hide the colors that betrayed my shame.

"So... you have a lot of siblings?" I asked seeing how three more kids entered the private area of the restaurant.

"Only if seven brothers seem like a lot to you..."

"Seven?!"

"And four cousins who stay from time to time. Altogether, we are twelve youngsters between eleven and twenty-eight years old."

"Are you the twenty-eight old youngster?"

"Too obvious?"

"You didn't look like eleven."

"No. That boy... in a couple of years he'll be bigger than me."

"No way!"

"Wait to see him."

"So... you've grown up surrounded by children your whole life, haven't you?"

"One could say, yeah. But they're already grown up."

"Not the ones from the orphanage."

"True."

"It was fun watching you play with them. You can tell that you like them and you are good at children."

"I do like them, but the being good thing... I don't think it's more than a matter of practice."

At that moment, my tongue, which doesn't know when to stop working, decided that I had already enjoyed enough for the rest of my life.

"Sure you'll be a good father."

His gaze changed completely. Something gloomy invaded his expression and his burrito was carefully propped on his plate.

"I don't think so."

"Why not? Of course you will! Have you seen yourself today?!"

"And, have you seen the amount of children in need of attention that were there? I... I don't want to be the cause of another child lost in the world. I couldn't forgive myself."

"I don't understand. What do you mean?"

"What if I do that? What if I'm a father with the woman of my dreams and something happens to us and our children, what we love the most in the whole world, are left alone and helpless? What if we can't be there for them? What if they feel abandoned? I... I don't want that. I do not want to have children."

His sad and serene expression made it clear that that wasn't something negotiable; it made it clear that, if I stayed by his side, I would never be a mother. More loneliness, more frustrated dreams...

"And what if...? What if the woman of your dreams wanted with all her strength to be a mother one day?" I asked very softly, fearing the worst.

He bit his lip and I could swear his eyes went crystalline. He caressed my hand with his thumb as if saying goodbye to my touch and I could feel a slight trembling in him.

"Then..." The light completely disappeared from his gaze and my throat suddenly went dry. "Then I guess I wouldn't be the right man to stay by her side."

'Game over.'

His pained expression told me clearly that it was so, and the guilt in his gaze made me aware of the lack of color in my face and in my hands. I had just met him. As incredible as our thing had been, I had just met him. I should be able to handle that. But then, why didn't I feel like I was capable to do it?

He gently released my hand and placed his own hands on his lap.

"I... uh... I'm going home now. It's been an... exhausting day," I finally said feeling that that was no longer a place for me.

"Sure. I walk you."

"No, there's no need. I don't live far from here. Uh... thanks for... today."

A sorrowful smile appeared on his face and he just nodded.

"Good night, Anna."

"Good night, Kristoff."

I left that place without daring to look back and my tears began to roll down my cheeks without restraint cooling my skin swimming in the cool night wind.

The next day, after a night of shaking, tears, and occasional vomiting that made me feel like there was nothing left of that magical and fateful day, I went to work trying not to think about the appointment I had pending with Kristoff. I was terrified to see him again and, at the same time, it was what I most wanted in this world. How would he be? Had he had a bad night too? Would he even cared? Would his arm hurt a lot? Would his heart hurt like mine?

"Anna."

Elsa came into my workroom shortly after the departure of one of my regular clients with a puzzled face.

"What is it?"

"Kristoff Bjorgman called. That big blond man, remember?"

"Kristoff?! Uh... yeah, I remember him. What did he say?"

"He's canceled the appointment."

"What?"

"Apparently, he is better. I asked him if his arm didn't hurt anymore and he told me that it was the least painful part he had. Although, now that I think about it, that doesn't sound very good... Anna? Are you crying?"

"No..."

"Anna... your eyes are red and your snot falls out."

"Yeah, I had a spicy dinner yesterday."

"And what does that have to do with this?!"

"Do... do I have more appointments for today?"

"No, he was the last one."

"Fine. Then, I'm heading home, okay?"

"Ok, but... Anna, I'm here for whatever you need."

"I know, thank you. I... I know."

'Be strong, Anna. This is not the end of the world. Or is it...?'