Losing You Terrifies Me

Chapter 37

It would be a lie if Hannibal said he hadn't been expecting this. He had been steeling himself for the day when Will would ultimately relapse again. Nothing good ever lasted long for Hannibal and he had allowed himself to grow far too comfortable in the ease that had been set.

Hannibal guided Will's zombie-like body back down the stairs and out to the car. Nothing here was important enough to waste time on. Not even that God fucking black notebook was worth any of this. Why had his darling boy picked right then to read it? It should be burned. It always brought Will's mind crashing back down.

Hannibal sighed as he pulled from the driveway and started down the road that was wet from melting snow, the days finally beginning to give way to spring. His fingers drummed the steering wheel as he tried to think of all of his options. He didn't have many. He could stay and start the whole thing over or he could leave and actually commit this time.

Hannibal wasn't stupid. He knew he was the cause of Will's instability. It only got worse the longer they stayed together despite how badly Hannibal tried to keep Will's head intact now more than ever.

The roads were muscle memory now. Long and trailing through fields and cities alike until he found himself pulling up a gravel drive and stopping his car at a fountain. The car was put in park and Hannibal closed his eyes before glancing over to Will who was still clutching to his head, jaw clenched tight.

"Will?" Hannibal asked softly, heart cracking in his chest as he waited for the answer from the boy.

"All of it's there, Hannibal," Will whispered, blue eyes full of tears darting up from their blank stare to meet Hannibal's. "It hurts, Hannibal. All of it hurts."

Hannibal leaned over, a hand brushing through Will's curls the best he could with Will's impeding hands in the way. "You're doing far better now than you usually do," Hannibal whispered. "Please, please don't give up on us. Please."

"The-The straight razor and the stairs and-and the-"

"I know," Hannibal assured softly, his throat tight as he gave a weak and pitiable smile. He pressed a careful kiss to Will's temple and sighed, closing his eyes. "It's alright, Will. It's always been alright."

There was a pained laugh torn from Will's throat and tears fell down his cheeks. "I-I have so many conflicting emotions going on right now and I don't know if they're mine or yours." The back of Will's hand wiped at his mouth as drool wetted his lips. "I love you so much Hannibal, but I just-I want-" Will's voice broke. "-I want us dead." Will's hand covered his mouth and he slouched out of Hannibal's grip. "We can't... We-we-"

"Will," Hannibal said sternly, though his voice cracked. Hannibal cleared his throat. "Not right now. Please." Hannibal took one of Will's hands and brought it to his lips, kissing at Will's knuckles and then over the ring on his finger. "Can we please get our son and go? That's all I want. Just like we planned."

"After all of the-" Will cleared his throat, eyes once more looking out of the windshield as he pulled his hand from Hannibal's grip. "After all of the things that I've done to you-to-to us and you still want to run away with me?"

"Always." Hannibal's eyes wandered carefully over the empath who sat devastated in his seat and Hannibal didn't feel far off. They had been so close. Why had he let Will go back to that house? Why had he let Will beg to grab their things? Their stupid book and fishing lures and some things of Walter's? Because he loved Will, that was why. "Will?" he asked, mouth sticky. Will shook his head, his index finger being bitten between his teeth. "Look at me Will." Blue eyes obeyed, hurt and bloodshot, breath ragged. "Promise me something, alright?"