Poem book #2

Unloveable

I miss the way that love felt.
How it was before I knew.
Sometimes I wish I could've stayed there,
Safely in the dark.
There I would be miserable,
But at least it wouldn't be my fault.
I wouldn't feel unlovable.
So distant, and untouchable.
I could've waded through the pale stream
I could've danced within the fire.
Would we have been happier?
Or would I still feel like a liar?
I don't think I ever would have met me
If I blazed that well known trail.
And truly she was a beauty.
Something poetic and sublime.
I see her now so far away.
Something I have lost,
For what I had to one day gain.
Still she sparks my heart, in such a bittersweet way.
And he, he does the same.
Why must every beauty be met with tragedy?
Why must every intoxicating sweetness be coated with sobering sadness?
I don't think I will ever feel as loved,
As I did when I was her.
And the hardest most pathetic part
Is I never even was.
Is it that I cannot be loved?
Or that he cannot love?
A unrelenting paradox
I wish to be set free
I was her and she was me
And while I was her I felt so much love
Except it wasn't meant for me
Why can a man not be loved,
In the same way that a woman can?
When my face was soft and round
And my features weren't my own
When I felt lost in a sea of a million faces
Not a one of them my home
Is it me? Or is it him? Or was it her?
I long for the feeling of that burn
I love and love
I've loved too much
With no love in return
I miss those soft fingertips
I miss that auburn hair
I miss that voice, how it sang to me
The way those deep eyes gazed at me
How I was someone's everything
But was it meant for me?
If I was met today, this way as I am
Would there be any love for me?
I'm unlovable as I am
This true me
The deepest me
The one that I have faught for
I don't think he could be loved and so I had to leave.
And still as he lays here,
he has not felt that type of love.
Is it him? Or is it me?
Am I where I'm supposed to be?
Does he love me the way she did
Is he just bad at showing it?
Or is it just that as I am
I will never feel a love like that again?
I have so many questions
I'm sure I'll never find the truth
Truth is something different here
Or so I've come to learn
There is no truth
but the one that is coated with his lies
Whatever I like
Whatever I want
Except it never really is, is it?
I wish I had more trust in you
And I wish you had more honesty
I wish that I could know
In another life, in another place
How did it all go?
If I hadn't hurt her.
If he hadn't hurt me.
If there was no one in between.
If I were me from the start
Would I still be feeling this?
How would things be different
What if both of them would have never crossed my path.
Would they still love me?
Would I have stayed?
Would I still be in this world?
Would he?
There's so many things I wished I knew
But I suppose I never will
Thinking about it all will only ever hurt me
I have to just remain content
With the path that I have chosen
Maybe one day he will look at me
And make me feel loved again.
And take back all the things he did.
And bring back all the things she said.
And make me feel as though I'm worthy
If only I could get as much as I give
In trust, and love, and honesty, in effort, and in peace.
If only he did all the things she did for me
If only he could make me feel that way
If he could make me feel relief 
For now I have to be content with the thought, that it's not him, its me.
I am just unlovable.
And what will be, will be.