the garden smp

conversation

we had played on the garden smp for about two hours until what i was dreading was finally my reality. don't get me wrong, i love talking to the two people i really like, but i have a feeling this conversation won't go well, i think they'll ask me what's wrong and why i'm taking a streaming break, but at that point i don't think i'd know what to say. i walked into the living room, and sat on the couch, waiting for ash and gavin to come in. i fidgeted with my fingers, anxiously waiting for them to enter the room. just a few minutes felt like ages, but soon enough they both entered the room and sat next to me on the couch. "so, we just wanted to talk to you." gavin said as he gave me a small smile.

"yeah, ash told me before, what is it about?" i asked, looking confused. "i wanted to tell you that gavin and i confessed this morning. while you were out actually." ashlyn giggled softly. "o-oh, congrats!! i'm happy for you both." i faked a smile, trying to keep my composure. "thank you!! we're both really happy that you support us." gavin said looking down at his hands, smiling. god that smile. "we don't think we're going to tell the fans just yet." ashlyn said. "yeah, t-that's understandable." i said quietly. the unsettling feeling i had made sesnse now. fuck. they started talking about how they think they'll announce it, but i just couldn't listen. i was too deep in thought to come out and focus on what either of them were saying. "i'm really tired after today, i think i'm gonna get to bed." i said as i got up and left the room before either of them could get a word in. i walked to my room and shut the door behind me, flopping face first onto my bed.

i know it's only about dinner time, but i really just want to go to bed at this point. i'm sick and tired of my feelings never being reciprocated or cared for. all i want is a stable line of support, is that so hard to ask for? in my opinion, no, but to everyone else, apparently yes. i sat on my bed, leaning against my headboard. my knees pulled to my chest. i felt a wall of tears start to build in my eyes, it just kept growing and growing until my eyes ran out of room. the tears started rushing down my face, nearly a replication of a waterfall. it just kept coming and coming, seemingly never ending. i needed an escape, and soon. with the tears still flowing, i pulled up my mom's contact, and pressed the 'call' button. after a few rings, she picked up.

"hello?" she asked. "h-hi mom, i was wondering if i can drive up to you and stay with you for a little while." i asked her, my voice shaky. "yeah, of course. you're always welcome dear." she paused. "sweetheart, are you crying?" she asked. "i- uh, yeah, i don't really want to talk about it as of now. i'll start packing i'll probably be at your house by tomorrow morning." i said, tears still slowly escaping my eyes. "alright, see you soon, love you." she said as she hung up. so it was settled, i found my escape route. i got up and started packing clothes in a duffel bag, the tears still falling. i wish i could make them stop, make the tears go away and these stupid fucking feelings become non-existence, but i think we all know that won't happen anytime soon. i just want them both to hold me and tell me everything will be alright, when it won't be. at least in my eyes.

suddenly, i heard a soft knock at my door. i started wiping my tears away to look (even the slightest bit) presentable. i opened the door to see an upset looking ash on the other side. "come in." i said quietly. she started walking to my bed to sit down. "i'm worried about you." she stated. a small wave of shock came over me. "i want to make sure you're okay. you seemed spacey over the past few days, please talk to me if somethings going on." they took a long pause. "communication is key." i sat down next to her. "i know that but,, i-i don't really know if i'm ready to talk about it. to anyone at this rate." i said quietly, she seemed upset by my secrecy. yes i feel bad for not communicating right away with them but in this situation i think it's safe to say its okay that i haven't said anything yet.

"oh, alright, that's understandable. i don't want to pressure you." they said. "i'm sorry." i said lightly. "it's alright. i just don't want to see you struggle. i know how hard that is, you don't deserve to go through that." they smiled softly. "thanks." i said with a slight frown, the thumping of my chest wouldn't give up. "of course, please just communicate to us if you need help." she said as she looked away. "i know." i paused. "i'm happy for you and gavin." i'm lying through my teeth. "oh, ah, thank you. we knew you'd be fine with it but still anxious about telling you, y'know?" they stated with a nervous laugh. i nodded. "mhm,, that's how i feel about this whole situation going on in my head. i need to talk to someone about it, but i know i'm not ready too." they nodded along "sorry." i apologized again. "hm, after the smallest inconveniences, you always say sorry. what are you sorry for?" she asked. shit. "oh, uh." i paused. "i just feel like most things are my fault so i-i apologize." she smiled at me while getting up. "ah well, stop saying sorry when it isn't needed. now get to bed it's late and you look tired. goodnight darling." i felt my ears rise in temperature. "g-goodnight."

WHY THE FUCK DID SHE CALL ME DARLING. i'm on the verge of screaming. what the fuck was that. what the actual fuck. i need my brain to shut the fuck up so i can go the fuck to bed. please. please. why don't i just text her to ask. i pulled out my phone and open up my messages with ash. i quickly typed out

quick question , why'd you call me darling when you were leaving my room ?

oh i did ? srry about that didn't mean to make you uncomfortable

no it's fine just wondering lol

i kinda wish she meant it. i wish i had the privilege for her to call me pet names like that. darling, sweetie, honey. the list goes on. god i'd love to be called stupid shit like that by gavin and ash. although it's strange to think about this since they're both dating.