the garden smp

escape route

i had fallen asleep a little after i finished packing, luckily i set an alarm to wake up early to leave for my moms house before either gavin or ash would be up. it was nearly 4 am when the alarm went off, i pulled myself out of bed to get my shit together and leave. i could feel the puffiness in my eyes. i decided to just grab food on the way to my mom's house. something i wouldn't expect was that i'd see gavin in the kitchen at 4 am while leaving with a large duffel bag, not suspicious at all, right?

wrong. "woah, where are you going bon?" gavin asked, standing in front of me stopping me from leaving. "i'm going to visit my mom, i just need a little time alone, so i decided to go visit her. you can tell ash when they wake up, i don't really know how long i'll be gone for." i said, avoiding eye contact. he pulled my face up to meet his eyes. "please just tell me what's going on." i felt my ears heat up a little. "i-it's not important i'm just going to visit my mom, nothing more." i said, looking into his worrisome eyes. he narrowed his eyes and let go of my face to move his hand down to my wrist. "alright, but please, just talk to us if there's a problem. and please, say hi to iris for ash and i." i felt as though i couldn't breathe anymore, my hands were shaky and my breath was quickly thinning. "o-of course, i should get going now. i-i'll see you and ash soon." i said quickly walking around him and out the front door.

i shoved my belongings into the passenger seat of my car before peacefully sitting in the driver's seat. i was lying when i said i was peacefully sitting there. i sat there struggling to catch a my breath, i didn't know what to do. fuck i wish i got water before leaving. it'd be embarrassing to go back inside hyper ventilating after that. i just sat there, trying to prove to myself that it'd be okay, it wasn't working too well. i gathered myself a little and pulled out of the driveway and started driving to the parkway. after nearly two hours of driving, i arrived at my moms house around 6 am. i unlocked the front door and walked in. to my surprise my mom was sitting in the living room. "oh, good morning, i thought you'd still be asleep." i said as i sat down next to her. "by the way ash and gavin said hi." she laughed. "i've been up waiting for you to get here, i know you like getting up early in the dead of the night. so i woke up early and have been sitting here waiting. i'm concerned about you." she took a long pause. "i saw that you tweeted about taking a streaming break, why's that?"

how the hell was i supposed to answer that? "oh, i just needed a little break from work, my mental health has been rapidly declining over the past few days, so i thought that would be the right decision. " i said quietly, i felt small under her dominant gaze. "well, obviously if an issue like that is happening so quick, then yes it was the right decision. but, do you know what caused it?" she questioned looking at me, almost just as confused as i am. "n-no i don't think so." i lied, i knew completely what caused it. i stood up. "i-i'm really tired from getting up so early, i better get to bed, goodnight mom." she looked a little bit disappointed "oh, alright, goodnight sweetie." i gave her a small smile before leaving. holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck. why is she so good at reading my emotions. i hate this. i don't really know what to do at this point. i could either stay at my moms house for a little bit and try to figure out what to do, or, go back home and deal with these feelings around the two people i ... love(?) ... in a relationship. what the fuck am i supposed to do now. both options fucking suck.

i don't think coming here was a good idea. i just thought of all the possibilities that could happen with the both of them while i'm not home. i'm just too confused about all of this. i need to talk to someone, but who? i really need some sleep.

~

i fell asleep whilst overthinking, around 7:30. how the fuck am i supposed to live for the rest of the day with just barley three hours of sleep ?! what is this bullshit. i walked into the kitchen to my mom sitting at the counter and working on a new puzzle, with my dad across from her reading the newspaper. "good morning." i said with a small smile. my dad returned the smile while my mom responded. "good morning honey, would you like something to eat?" i thought for a moment. "hm, no thank you. i'm not really hungry at the moment." but the last time i ate was last night? whatever, it's not important. i spent an hour or so chatting with my family before retreating back to my room. i didn't realize how many notifications i had gotten in that short span of time. the latest read, "bon why'd you decide to go to your family's house so suddenly ? i just want to make sure you're okay and that all is well."

my fingers clicked away letters, then erased it and tried again, the vicious cycle continued until i found the right words. "hi, i'm so sorry i didn't tell you sooner. it was all really sudden after i just needed some time away from everyone. i just need a break all together. i did it all without thinking sorry." i saw her three dots appear and soon start to jump. "it's fine just please think more before you do this again lol. and what did i say about saying sorry ? :)" i think my brain just broke. i quickly typed back, to try not to make it seem like a simple smiley face just broke me 

"right :)"

fuck. fuck. fuck.