The Doctor & The Soldier

And I Can't Have Him

Dinner started later than intended but no one seemed to mind. When Tony didn't show up Nella opted to to go bring him food in the lab.

"Knock Knock"

Tony ignores her while he fiddles with something on his workbench.

"Tony", she sighs walking towards him. She places the plate by his elbow before finding someplace to sit.

"Well looks like the princess made some time for us." He remarks after 30 minutes of silence. Nella doesn't say anything kicking her feet out. He sighs placing his tool down. "I know I'm being unfair I'm sorry."

She looks at him from under her eyelashes waiting for him to continue.

"We lost a part of you that day. And I feel like you blame us, as if you're trying to run away."

She grabs Tony's hand stopping him. "I never blamed any of you! I blame myself! And not just that I spent 4 years here with him. 2 years as best friend and the other 2 dating. There are memories here that I can't escape from. I see him everywhere Tony and it hurts!" Tears stream down her face as she talks to him. "It hurts remembering and I just need a break. I need to heal. But most of all I need Bucky and I can't have him."

Tony pulls her into a hug letting her sob into his chest. He quietly consoles her waiting for her to get it all out.

"You will always have him!"

"But he's not here."

✨

"Don't be a stranger N. I miss you." Her eyes water again at Tony's admission. She can't speak so she nods gripping his hand. He smiles before pushing her towards Steve's room. She walks in to see Nat already there with him. She jumps on the bed pulling the blanket she keeps in here for just this purpose. Nat lays her head in Nella lap while Steve pulls her into his side.

"You requested off those days in August?" Nat whispers.

"Yes."

"We'll always be here for you Nia." Steve whispers into her hair. "No matter what!"

✨

In the morning Nat drove Nella to work in Tony's Audi R8.

"Sam will pick you up for lunch and I'll come get you after work!"

"You know I need to go back to my apartment at some point!"

"And you will! But this way we make sure you have lunch with us."

Nella laughs getting out the car and walking up to the building.

"Oh ho ho! Look at miss high roller today!" Derek comments when she walks into the bullpen. "I saw the car you got dropped off in!"

She smiles putting her things in her desk.

"So, new boo?" He asks leaning against your desk.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She says with a bit of sass.

"Ouch! Ok ok! I get the hint." He says smirking his hands up in the air. She laughs watching him put a cup of hot chocolate on her desk before sitting in his desk across the way. She sighs sitting down staring at the endless piles of files on her desk.

At lunch time she jumps up walking quickly to the elevator before anyone can stop her. Outside Sam is waiting for her in the same car Nat drove her to work in. She hops in before any of the team sees her, or at least that's what she thinks.

"Hey sugar! where's the fire girl?"

She laughs. "Derek is giving me so much shit for being dropped off in the car this morning. So I wanna zoom before he sees."

"Secret scandalous affair! I like it" Nella and Sam giggle as he speeds off. Lunch is spent at their favorite burger place. Sam catches her up on everything that's been missed.

"I've missed this sugar!"

"I have to. I'm sorry I've been so withdrawn lately!"

He grabs your hand softly. "No one blames you for being distant! We just want to make sure you're ok."

"I will be. I just-" she takes a shuddering breathe. "I don't know where he is, or even if he's alive! We've been searching and nothing!"

"I know." Sam says softly. "We'll find answers one day. But you have to live your life he wouldn't want you closed off."

"I'm trying Sam I really am but...I miss him everyday. How do you get over everything that happened to us?! And I'm scared to move on! I'm scared not to!" She places her head in her hand. "What if I move on and he comes back? What if I don't and he never comes back?! How do I move on from the love of my life?!"

Sam gets up and comes to her side of the table. He pulls her in close. "You don't move on. You hold him close in your heart because you love him. But you let life take you where it goes. If he's alive and he comes back you'll deal with it. If he doesn't come back and you move on then it'll be when you're ready. No one can force you, no one can do anything you don't want. All the decisions are up to you, when YOU want to make them. They don't have to be today, tomorrow or 5 years from now. They're made when you're ready."

She laughs shakily tears in her eyes. "When did you get so good at motivational speeches? Learning from Steve?"

"Why can't I just be that good?" He says, slightly insulted. She laughs before pushing him away.

"Let's go before I'm late."

The drive back to the BAU is comfortably quiet.

"Thank you Sam." You whisper as you get closer to the building.

"Anytime sugar. Besides we're doing this once a week if we can!"

She smiles at him. "I'd like that!"

She leans over to give him a hug when they pull up before exiting the vehicle. On the elevator up she thinks of how to make time for the BAU and still see the Avengers. Maybe a rotation? The elevator doors open to the team, besides Garcia, standing there smirking.

"Oooooooo I told you!" Derek hoots grabbing her arm.

"So who's the man?" JJ asks.

"Wait aren't you still with Bu-" she looks at Rossi harshly cutting him off. He notices your tense posture and tears in your eyes. He grabs you from Derek telling the others to go back to work before he pulls you into his office.

"Tell me."

"I'm not ready." She whispers. "But he's gone and-" she tries not to sob. "The Avengers are worried about me so Sam came to have lunch with me. I'll be seeing them for lunch on and off."

"I'll keep the team off your back"

"Thank you Rossi." She smiles before hugging him.

The next two days fly by with the BAU. No one mentions the car again tho Derek keeps asking about her "afternoon delights". That doesn't bug her she just plays along with him.

On Thursday Emily calls everyone into the conference room.

Once everyone is seated Garcia starts handing out files.

"3 days ago the bodies of Emily Pearson and Janay Riley were found on the edge of the lake in Cambridge Massachusetts." Garcia says pointing the remote to a tv, pictures of the girls flashing on the screen. "There's bodies were carved up in some weird symbols. Nothing the database shows where these could be from. 3 days before that Amara Jenson and Stacy Lambert showed up on the edge of the woods in the same way."

"The way the bodies are placed shows some remorse" Reid states staring at the photos.

"It's not remorse" Nella comments. "It's a presentation. These marks are a ritual to bring power to a being. Woods mean earth while water means water. They're trying to gather the elements." She points out each symbol and explains in detail how and why they're made.

When she looks at the team they're all staring at her in shock.

"I'm not just a pretty face you know!"

They all laugh before Emily looks at her. "Get your bag you're coming with us."