When We All Fall Asleep

Chapter 4 - Daddy

Our visit to the clinic lasted no more than 10 minutes, which was exactly the time limit for a visit there. There wasn't a lot of conversation, other than my mom talking about how the people there are crazy in their heads. She thinks she's the only normal one there, and I won't say that's a lie. The way she described those people... I was sorry, I'll confess, but it seems that it's more like a madhouse than a clinic to help people addicted to drugs.

I noticed a big change after I went to visit my mother: I didn't have nightmares. The same way I lay in bed at night, I slept like a rock. Amazing how everything my brother said was true, and amazing how everything Mr. Schneider said was a lie. I just needed to see my mom, that's all. I've been missing her a lot since she went to "live" there and those few 10 minutes were enough for that. I'm not saying here that I went to visit my mom just to stop my nightmares, even because I would hate myself for it, but... I really wanted to see her.

Just as I didn't have nightmares, I didn't have dreams either. I was hoping for something happy, I was hoping for some dream about my mother, at least. If it was my father, it would be a nightmare. I don't know why I had so many nightmares about him before, but... he scared me. Very scared. He had exactly the same face as a person who had just been released from prison. That smile with teeth on his face... looking like a tooth was missing there. It gave me goose bumps just thinking about him as a child. I swore that someday he would do something bad to me. But he was really nice to me, really. He always took me to school, always picked me up, took great care of me, made me breakfast... Yeah, I miss him too.

My father died in a motorcycle accident. I've never mentioned him here because I never liked to remember those kinds of subjects. Everyone has their dying hours, but an accident is something I'll never put up with. I knew he was in no condition to drive that day, he had come home very drunk. I remember when he got home, he slammed the door and also had a bottle of beer in his hand. My mom arrived and the two started fighting. She was seeing and hearing everything through the crack of my bedroom's open door. I was very curious and went to the stairs, where I could see everything that was going on on the first floor. My mother was crying a lot. My father started hitting her screaming:

BE A MAN, STOP CRYING!

You can't live like this anymore, Harold! That's not possible! You have two kids to take care of, remember that?

Oh please Elizabeth! Do you think I don't know that? I can't even drink in peace anymore, that's it now, right? I'll tell you something: I drink as much as I want, when I want and you're not one of the people who will stop me. I deserve a break!

That's not you, Harold... it's not.

Are you going to stand there crying or are you going to wash the dishes, huh, bitch?

I heard a slap after that. I started to cry silently. After a while, I heard my mom start crying too, hearing the sound of my dad picking up some keys and walking out the door he'd entered earlier. I heard the sound of his motorcycle being started and being ridden through the streets that dawn. My mother was still crying. I didn't have the courage to see what else was going on there, so I ran to my room and went to sleep... I had my first nightmare about him that night.

I had never seen my dad like that, not ever. My mom never even talked about that night, maybe because she doesn't really want me to know, but I do, Mom. I always knew.

The next day I heard the news from my mother that my father had died in a motorcycle accident.

The weather for the day was perfect, in my opinion. The sky was overcast, the wind was so strong that it even made noises. The trees swaying like they were dancing... it was a great day. I was wearing the style of clothing I love the most: tracksuit. A thin cool sweater underneath and a thick sweatshirt on top. With more sweatshirt, pants and a pair of black socks.