English blog

# 1 long. To know or not to know?

I do not know which one is worst, to know that something is wrong with you, or knowing but not really knowing what it is that is wrong. Feeling pain is apart of life, we all feel it, when we fall and brake an arm or a leg. When we cut ourselves by accident with a knife while cutting tomatoes. Feeling pain that is constant, and it hurts a lot but you can not do anything about it because doctors still do not know what it is. 

Cancer is one thing. Its terrible, and its painful, and they have not yet found a cure for it. I do not wish for any cancer, or for anyone. Cancer is inevitable, we cannot avoid it if it was written in the stars. Cancer is not what i have. And the medical bills are not the same at all. But it sure does feel similar. 

Arthritis is what i may have, actually I am pretty sure it is that. Test results keep showing my high level of inflammation. If you never had inflammation think back to when ever it was hot outside with humidity and you finger or other body parts swell, it feels uncomfortable, your rings might be stuck on your hand. That is what I have but most of the time, and other days it hurts like crazy. Hurts as soon as i get up out of my bed, and I would be stiff and uncomfortable all day long. Join pain is terrible too. 

When you read up on it you can psyche yourself out on it, and get scared, I try not doing that. But it is never the same. You watch your friends go out and bike, or run or just wake up without feeling any pain, you wish you can go back to the day where you did not have any of the pains at all. Where everything was normal and all I had to worry about was my migraines. Everything happens for a reason, I believe that, it is rare to have Arthritis at nineteen years old, we usually see it in older people around 50 or 60 even then it is still young. Nineteen is very young, and it hurts like crazy too. 

So many different test to go through as well. Doing them over and over again, just to see if something changed and when it does you get so happy only to do the test a few month later and it is back and high again. Of course you already knew that because you can feel that the pain is getting worst and you take something for the pain but it only last a couple of hours because it is not the right medication. The doctors cannot give you the right medication yet because they are still not sure, and waiting for a specialist is quite long in a small town. Looking back on how many different pills I had to take for my migraines and wondering perhaps if it was something I took that caused it. 

I think for me it is knowing but not really knowing what it is that is worst, but I both are fairly equal.