waiting for spring

•Chapter Two• Nirvana Shirt

I told Aunt Bella that me and Liz are gonna go to Juliana's house for a sleepover. I'm a master at lying to her. She always believes me. I throw on a sweatshirt over the sluttiest crop top I have... a torn up Nirvana shirt that Liz made me when we were like 13. The only skin it shows is my belly button and some of my not cleavage.

Liz's sluttiest shirt is her skin.

I walk to her house and open her unlocked front door. I assume her parents aren't home because I hear moaning all through the house. I knock on her bedroom door, "Uh, Liz? I'm here."
"Oh! Shit. Coming!" I hear her high heels clonking on the wood floor. She opens the door. I see a sagging, blonde junkie lying down on her bed, meanwhile her bra thing that she's wearing is coming off (I see what she means about Keith liking to grab her boobs) and her hair is screwed up. Lord Jesus help me. "Gracie, this is my boyfriend Keith. Keith, this is my best friend Gracie." I wave, he nods his head and says, "Sup."
"Uhh... sup. And sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything..." I awkwardly reply, directing it toward Liz.
"Oh, no!" She giggles, "you didn't interrupt anything!" I raise one of my eyebrows and cross my arms like I always do when I know that Liz is lying to me, which unfortunately I have to do a lot. "Hey, can you help me fix my hair in the bathroom, Grace?" I know she's trying to change the subject, but I nod of course.
Once we go to her bathroom, the truth comes pouring out. "Okay Gracie, I need your help breaking up with this douchebag tomorrow! He seriously won't stop grabbing my fucking boobs and I already sent him 3 nudes in the past 4 days, and her wants more!!" She anxiously whispers to me while redoing her hair. Now I'm the one rolling my eyes. "Okay, I'll help you. But why did you even get together with him? He's not that hot."
"I know, I know... But he's rich and he had some coke and he has a really nice ass..." She says as if it's perfectly normal to do cocaine and be with a guy cause he has absolutely no personality but a nice ass. "Hey! I thought you stopped with that shit, Liz! What's wrong with you, huh?" I fucking hate it when she does drugs. I shake my head because I'm ashamed in her, she knows I am. We made a promise that if I stopped smoking cigarettes, she'd stop doing cocaine. "I'm sorry, okay? It's just really hard," she says, close to tears. "I know Liz. I'm sorry too, okay? But just try harder." She nods and she hugs me. I hug her back.
"So is that what your wearing?" She sniffles and points at my sweatshirt, giggling. I take it off and show her what I'm actually wearing. She smiles a big neon purple smile. "I remember making that! I can't believe you held on to it,"
"Yep. It's the only hoe shirt I have," I reply. She laughs a small tired chuckle.
"I loved Nirvana..." she fades off into her memories. Into the memories this shirt brings. I haven't worn it in a while because we did bad things wearing our Nirvana shirts. We used to be matching, but her boobs got too big and she can't wear it anymore. She starts getting upset now, "You know... I still do like Nirvana, but... it's not cool anymore... How do you do it Gracie? I mean, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing that shirt in front of my other friends. How can you do it so easily and give exactly zero fucks? You don't understand how much I want your life. You're the only person who really excepts me for who I am... not for who I've become." She's crying. Liz used to be a good person. A really great person. But.... she started hanging out with the wrong people. She started doing the wrong things. Then, she was re-labeled as a bad person, but I know, that their is still a part of her that can become the old Liz. I know she can become Elizabeth again. Elizabeth Logan was a good person. A really great person.
"You don't wanna have my life, Liz. If anything I should want yours." I help her fix her smudged makeup.
"We gotta get going. I'll go get Keith." She says. I reapply my plum lipstick and go outside. I do what I didn't want to do. I unzip my bag and take out my emergency box of smokes for when I'm freaking out. I haven't smoked in 3 months. I haven't smoked since Liz promised not to do coke. My hands are a little shaky lighting the cigarette. Pfff. The flame forms and smoke fills my lungs. It feels so good. It feels like all my feelings went away. I love it. I didn't realize how much I missed the sensation of inhaling the toxins into my body. I slowly breathe in the sickly fog, and even more slowly exhale it. Before I know it, its just a stubby brown butt. I didn't want it to end, but it did. I put it out on the concrete steps and throw it as far as I could out onto the street. I reach for another-
"Ready to go, Gracie?" Liz says. She didn't see me thank God.
"Yeah. Who's driving?"
"You know that I'm a hazard to the road. You of course!" She giggles. She sucks at driving.