waiting for spring

•Chapter Three• Animal

The party fucking blows. Theirs gotta be at least 100 people in this huge ass mansion and everyone's drunk. I mean EVERYONE except me of course. Right now I can't find Liz and I'm just praying that she's not up in a bedroom getting pregnant or in a closet doing crack. The music sucks ass. It's mostly Iggy Azalea and One Direction bullshit. Someone's gotta tell these people what real music is.
Finally I spot Liz. She's literally toppling over she's so drunk. Then she sees me and makes her way over to the leather couch I'm sitting on. "Hey giiirl! Why you there all by yourself, huh? Why don't you go make out with someone or dance or some shit, what'd you say?" She slurs.
"Jesus Christ. How many shots did you have, bitch?"
"Not too many. How many did you have, you little drunk whore?!" She asks playfully... Then I realize she's serious.
"I didn't drink at all tonight. I'm driving home, remember?"
"Oh, really? Why are you being a bitch then? Your only a bitch when you drink. Ohhhh... wait. Are you on your period or something? Don't worry I won't tell anyone," she whispers and leans closer to me so I can whisper back. I honestly find it very amusing when she's drunk.
"No, Liz I'm not on my period. I just have a little headache. That's all."
"Oh okay. No prob Bob!" She says, "Hey you wanna play some games with me and a few of my new friends? We're gonna play truth or dare, ummm, 7 minutes in heaven, spin the bottle, uh, truth or dare.... maybe you'll get to kiss some boys or some shit. It'll be fun I promise."
Great. Now I have to socialize. Just so goddamn fantastic. "Ugh... fine." She squeals and grabs my hand, dragging me over to a closed porch room with about 5 people. All of them look high as hell... except for this one kid, he's probably the designated driver like me. Keith was there. And there was only one other girl in the room. The rest were junkies like him... except for that one kid.
"Hey guys this is my best friend in the whole wide world and she's sooo awesome! This is Grace but you can call her Gracie," Liz shouts to the people in the room. My head hurts so bad and she just made it worse. I just smile a little bit and wave. She takes my hand and pulls to a chair and sits down beside me. "C'mon, guys! Let's play some games!" Oh boy, here we go.
"Umm... Liz I'm gonna go get uh... something to drink," I don't wait for an answer I just stand up. I'm about to walk out when-BAM! I'm on the floor and someone fell on top of me. What. The. Fuck. I'm stunned and feel like I've been turned to stone. I can't tell who it is. They get up really quickly. "Keith what the fuck is wrong with you?!" I hear him say in a deep voice. It's that one sober kid. I'm so done right now. Chivalry is dead. Keith pushed him on top of me.
"Yo, Chris calm down dude. I'm trying to get you a girlfriend-" I get up and yell at Keith, "You think that if by pushing a boy on to a girl is automatically going to get them to fall in love or bang or something?! You're a fucking animal!!" I storm out of the room.
"Gracie wait!" I hear Liz call. Boys are so fucking disrespectful and I'm done with it. I might want a boyfriend but I'm not that desperate to take the first guy who lands on me. A girl spills beer all over my shirt, "Oh God! I'm so sorry!" By this time I'm practically crying.I go to the bathroom and lock the door. Then it hit me like a boulder. Did Liz set this up? She's always trying to get me together with one of her boyfriend's friends. Was this all a joke? Am I a joke?
Why am I even here? I'm not even worth it. I've been on this earth for 15 years and had absolutely no love in my life. My dad beat me senseless every night and drank like it was the end of the world every minute. My mom yelled at me till I'd cry but one day had a heart attack from it. I'm invisible to the rest of my family and ugly and weird to all of the other people in the world. But Liz was the only person who ever loved me. I guess she's just too cool for me now. Even though I said nothing can break us, I lied. Any little thing will.

I don't wanna live

The urge is so strong that I just feel like ripping off the friendship bracelets covering my cuts, taking the sharpest thing I can find, and stabbing it into my artery. I open the mirror cabinet. I see the box of razors and I take it- knock knock. Fuck. I put the razors back. What the hell did I think I was doing? "I'll be out in a minute," I say quietly, trying to act as normal as possible. I fix my makeup and wipe my tears. I just wanna go home.
I open the door.
There he is. The sober kid. Of course. I try to push through but he gently stops me. "Hey, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't know he was gonna do that. And you're right... it doesn't work that way. Keith's just a dumb ass. So, I'm sorry," he says softly. He's actually really nice... and cute...
"I know. It's not your fault," I reply, "can I go now?" He lets me pass.
"What's your name again?" I stop. I don't turn around because I don't feel like looking at him again. "Gracie."
I try to find Liz. I see her running to me with makeup streaming down her face. "Gracie! We gotta go now!" Without questioning, I grab the keys and she grabs my hand and we quickly sneak out the back door.
We climb in the car and I drive. Fast. I just wanted to get home... or at least to Liz's house. She starts to cry so I put my hand on her shoulder, "You okay?" She shakes her head.
"I broke up with Keith," she sniffles.
"Why are you so upset? I thought you wanted to."
"That's not what I'm upset about..." a car behinds me honks its horn, so I continue driving. I'm not that good of a driver, but definitely better than Liz. She's a hazard to the road.
"What is it then?"
She sighs, "Keith... he told me that he's going to find me one day... and he..." She starts sobbing now. What the hell did this boy to get her like this?
"You can tell me later. It's ok," she nods and takes a tissue from the compartment.
Once were at her house, we get dressed in giant T-shirts for pajamas. She only does that with me. "Keith told me he was gonna rape me and beat me of is didn't let him. He didn't tell me when he was gonna do it," she's more than sad. She's scared. That little piece of shit. I swear the next time I see him he's a dead mother fucker.
She's crying again. "Do you wanna come over for the next few days? He doesn't know where I live. And plus your parents are going on vacation in a few days so I'm sure they won't mind," She nods. We hug for a few seconds. "Wanna go to sleep?" She suggests.
"Yeah."
We climb in her full sized bed under her purple bed spread. We sleep together, just like when we were little kids. I miss those days. I miss Elizabeth and Grace. "Good night, Grace." She says as if she was reading my mind. Maybe she was just thinking the same. "Good night, Elizabeth." She smiles. That makes me smile.
She turns off her bedside lamp and closes her eyes. I, however, am just completely unable to sleep... like every single night of my life ever since my mom died. I just lie awake. I don't go on my phone. I don't listen to music. I don't eat or talk or watch TV or do anything really. I just lie awake. And I think. Mostly about life, like in the shower. I don't remember a time where I had a full nights rest. I usually go to bed, involuntarily, at 2 or 3 and wake up at 5. I don't need to set alarm clocks. My brain wakes up on its own. It's horrible.
I keep thinking about that one sober kid who fell on me. Chris. I remember looking into his big brown eyes when he apologized to me, feeling his warm body on mine when Keith pushed him. I liked his hair. It was black and a little overgrown... and cute. He was cute. Really cute. And nice too.
Wait, what?! Do I have a crush on him or something?
Whatever.
I try closing my eyes, but my brain just won't relax. This sucks. Life sucks. I suck. I hate me. Everything about me. I miss my mom even though I hated her. I hate my dad even though I miss him. I want Chris even though I'm not supposed to like him. I want Liz to get better. I want Elizabeth back. I want Keith to burn in hell. I don't want school. I don't want to be awake. I don't want my life. I don't want to live.

But I do want him.