Desolation

Chapter Three

   I broke my pencil in frustration. Fuck math. Who likes this subject anyway? And how do we use it in real life? I don't think I'd be able to use in anytime soon. Eh.

Grabbing my phone next to my textbook, don't we all place our phones next to it? I got up from my chair and away from my text book. Casually browsing through social media, I saw these pretty girls on Pinterest. 

No, I am not a lesbian or anything. I'm straight. I've been thinking about it though. Aha, I'm joking. Or am I?

Oh how I wish I could be like them. I always thought of changing my style to theirs. I also love how they photograph themselves, looking aesthetic. I couldn't even describe the feeling while I'm staring at the pictures. Happiness? Euphoria? Envy? Jealousy? Sadness? 

No matter how much I want to dress, like them, I can't. I don't have those perfect curves, the body figure, flawless skin, and amazing hair. Unfortunately, I'm just.. me? I can't be like my friends who's this and that. You know the movie 'The DUFF?' I actually feel like the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. 

I can't stop comparing myself to others, and maybe that's the reason why I never felt genuinely happy. 

I smile from time to time, I laugh at a friend's joke, but it was never the happiness I wanted. 

Tears rimmed my eyes and I angrily wiped them away. Fucking crybaby. Sighing deeply, I placed my phone on my bed and walked towards the mirror. I changed into my over sized t-shirt and Adidas shorts. Huh. My hair was tied in a messy bun, and by 'messy bun' I mean literally messy. My eyes carried black bags under it, and my lips were pale as if I was ill. 

 I lifted up my arms that showed those bat wings and fats, I stomped my feet to see those fat legs wiggle. Resisting the urge to scream and break the mirror, I just shook my head and exited my room. 

"Dinner's ready," Dad called out, "On my way," I replied in a less-than-normal tone. I didn't want to eat, but I can't just say that to him, he'd ask questions and being the nice daughter I am, cough, lying wasn't my thing. 

I sat on the chair in front of him like I always do, and made the move to scoop rice from the bowl. I spread the rice on my plate so it would look like I took a lot, then placed a right amount of our dish. It was quiet, like always. Dad would make short conversations and asked the usual questions like 'How was school?' and my answer would always be 'It was fine,' though it wasn't.

Dinner went by fast and I was once again in my room. I practically live here. Why does it seem like I heard that before? I just shrugged it off. Connecting my phone in my speaker, I played If You Don't Know by 5 Seconds of Summer. Yes, I like boy bands. Do not judge me.

I stood in front of the mirror and just stared at my reflection.. again. But when the chorus was on I just suddenly busted out singing. 

I want you to want me this way

And I need you to need me to stay

If you say that you don't feel a thing

If you don't know, let me go.

Now if you think that I sang it with passion, I didn't. I screamed the words, with passion. Even if I know that I probably sound like a dying whale. I heard chuckles outside my window and that was enough to make me fall down to my knees. 

I didn't remember that Luke was my neighbor. He heard me, and I can still hear him laughing his ass off. I stood up and opened my curtains. Okay, so the window was open and I forgot to close it when I closed the curtain. "Oi! Shut up already!" I shouted at him. "Looks like the dying whale is actually alive." He replied while chuckling. I could feel the heat rush up to my cheeks, "Glad I could make you laugh," I muttered, and closed both the window and curtain.

I let myself fall to my bed as I listened to Lego House covered by Luke Hemmings. Closing my eyes, I slowly drifted off to sleep.