here's how it all happened...
For years, I have been working on my...confidence; since, of course, it's what most teens like me have to "work on". And believe it or not, my confidence level was almost up to a hundred percent.
Just to, um, let you know what I'm talking about, well, I'm talking about how I "look".
When I was still in grade school, I was constantly and repeatedly told that I was ugly, by people I knew and did not know. That caused me a lot of scars, especially at times when my sister was one of those people who told me that.
Yeah, my sister was the pretty, pale skinned, doe eyed, long haired, popular girl kind and I was the kinky haired, Morena nerd that barely spoke to anyone except when needed and preferred the company of books.
This thing lasted up til' freshman year.
But, in that particular year, I...well, had my first "love", if you could call it that. "He was perfect" I used to think, but all that changed, of course. As if the world totally wanted to crush my heart.
It took me a long time to find out he was playing with me, telling people that he's got the "ugly girl in school" thinking that he actually loved her. Eventually, we broke up...and it was very comforting to know that I did the breaking up, not him. Oh, the look on his face. I have to say it was worth it.
And after that, I found "friends". Yes, I have placed quotation marks because, they weren't really my friends. They were just a bunch of lying, backstabbing assholes and jerks that just wanted stuff from me. And it actually hurts pretty much because it took me three whole fucking years to realize that they were fooling around with me.
But in those three years, there were the upsides too, you know?
I finally found people kind enough to actually say I was beautiful and...talented. The teachers told me that too. It was sooo heart warming, like all of the world suddenly seemed so appealing. I found a boyfriend who was more in love with than I was with him.
I also found a whole new bunch of friends that accepted me for how weird and random I was.
But all that changed when a friend of mine and I had lunch together. This friend we shall hide by the name of "Pearly".
We were seated at our usual table, which was nothing really significant, except that it was next to an electric fan that apparently made the atmosphere feel like it was winter. --______-- Yeah, right!
"You know, my sister thinks Dory's beautiful," she said suddenly to me. Dory was one of our friends too, but that's not really her real name.
"Yeah? That's good," I say to her, happy for Dory, since I consider her the bestest friend ever. But then, Pearly, decides to add this to what she said;
"She thinks you're as ugly as hell."
I almost spat food at her. "What?"
"She thinks you're ugly."
That did it.
You see, I wouldn't have minded if it were one of those former people that called me that said it, but this person, she hardly even knew me, and now she was saying that she thought I was hideous! Those words gave my heart a sore beating and sent it to the hospital and is now in an unshakable coma. The confidence that I worked so hard on to build up, plummeted to the ground just like *poof* and I was back to level zero.
Shelly (Pearly's sister), I just want you to know that you made me once more insecure with how I look. You happy now?
It didn't help when one of my new "friends" started insulting me about my hair, either.
She kept saying that it looked like pubic hair, and believe me, it kind of sounded funny the first few times she said it. But at times it actually got to me and made me cry in bed.
And that time when I just suddenly cried out of nowhere because I was reminded that my parents, whom I'd thought would forever be together, were already seperated; Pearly told me to get over it, saying that "I know it doesn't really bother you, Dre. Just shut up and fucking forget about it".
I tell you pearly, how do you know that it doesn't bother me?
Did you know that the night before that, I tried to kill myself? That the blade that I bought was only inches away from my bare wrist? That i cried and cried until I was out of tears and my head was already hurting? That with every minute that passed, I thought about seeing death's face, of how he would take my soul and leave my lifeless body sprawled there in the bathroom floor? No! You didn't!
You didn't know that with every naive word you say, it takes me a thousand more kilometers closer to the sharp ends of the blade; you don't know how much nights I spent crying over everything that's happened to my life; you didn't know that everyday, I had to resist throwing myself out the window whenever you "joke" around about how look; you don't know how much it hurts every single time my family pretends that they think I'm pretty; you don't know how much it hurts when they slip and say something like "...well, you haven't always been pretty," and then they're eyes go big and they try to take what they say back. I would have preferred if they told me I was ugly up front, like my sister, who so lovingly tells me that everyday. Oh, I know right? She's an angel.
And you absolutely have no idea how much rage...how much anger I feel! How much I want to...disappear!
The wrath and sarcasm that fills me now? You can never take that away, nothing can anymore. You people have made me what I am today. You are the reason why I am the way I am, so don't you dare say things like "I never thougt you were this kind of person". In the first place, you never really knew me. And that's that.
So if sometime now, you hear about a fifteen year old girl, with brown, kinky hair and light tanned skin, missing? Don't be too surprised if you find a lifeless body lying somewhere out in the deep forest of sorrow and sadness, because there is where I always am.
