The Color of Your Eyes

Chapter 10

The strange thing about humans is how often we assume things. We hear stories and we assume we know what it's like as if we experienced it ourselves.

But it isn't that way. We hear, but we never truly know.

That is how I feel right now.

I've heard lots of things about having cancer. I've read books and watched documentaries. I've even met someone with cancer. But none of those things could have prepared me for what I feel now.

I had rushed home as soon as I had gotten the text. I have been lying in bed ever since. Texting Mom begging her to tell me more. I have to go to the hospital, I have to see how Lyla herself is doing.

After lying in bed for nearly an hour I get up and don't see Parker or Kaelan. I sit down to play the piano just to have something to do. I get halfway through a song when I give up, having just messed up for the 50th time.

I can't help being frustrated. Angry. Guilty. All these emotions are weighing me down, so I call Jake after stressing about it for way too long.

He picks up right away. "Hey, Nat." He says. I can tell he's worried about me.

"Can you describe the color red?" I ask right away.

Jake is silent for a moment. Undoubtedly thinking of what say.

"It's a bold color." He starts. "It's an angry color. It conveys emotion, and it is very warm. Like hot. Like angry fire bursting for attention. It pops. You see it very clearly. But it also means love and so much emotion. I think bold is the best way to describe it."

At this point, I'm closing my eyes. Soaking in his words. I love that about Jake, he doesn't just stop at "it hot" or "it's bold" but he describes the emotions and feelings it gives.

Oh, how I wish I could see what they see.

The world is already beautiful, but to imagine it filled with color, now that's something else.

"Thank you, Jake," I tell him. "I needed that."

"Anything else you wanna talk about?" His voice sounds sad.

"I just need this weight off my shoulders." I sigh. "I can't handle the responsibility, I'm barely handling myself."

Then Jake doesn't do the usual "it's alright" or "you can do it" or the "it'll get better" he just says three words that hit me hard.

"Your strong Natalie."

And then he's gone.

_______________

The next day arrives too slowly. Today I don't drag myself out of bed, instead I jump and super-speed get ready.

The reason I'm so eager this morning is last night at about 2 am Mom said that we can visit the hospital today.

I encourage Kaelan and Parker to get ready faster and check my watch. Only thirty minutes until we leave.

I brush Kaelan's hair and pour Parker cereal. Feeling excited and dreadful.

I'm worried seeing Lyla may make this worse for me.

I'm not exactly the "chill" type. I panic, I stress, I overthink. All the, not chill things.

I encourage Parker to finish his breakfast quickly while touching nothing myself. I busy myself with getting my siblings dressed and ready. They don't complain, I know they are eager too.