The Story of Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook

~Part 14~

As time went on, things only deteriorated between them. They tried to talk casually, but it was as if they had forgotten how. Every conversation ending in unasked questions and truths untold. It suffocated their ability to even be friends at all. They had eventually come to a point where they were barely speaking to one another unless they had too during work. Every time they would interact there would be so much tension between them, Jungkook thought he would choke on it.

Jungkook had no idea what to do. He couldn't stand it. He wanted there to be a solution when there was none. 

Despite that, the questions remained. Why did it have to be this way? Couldn't they talk and work something out? He briefly thought about how they could at least go back to being friends again, but had no idea how to accomplish even that. Not like he wanted to be just friends, but Jimin was against it.

Why? Was it really such a bad idea? 'We shouldn't be doing this.' 'That can't happen again.'. Those were really the only things Jimin had ever said on the topic, but he never gave any reasons why they 'shouldn't be doing this' or why it 'can't happen again'. Jimin said they should only be friends, but then he goes and kisses him? He had contradicted himself again. It was all just too confusing.

Knowing Jimin, he had to have his reasons why he was acting this way, but Jungkook couldn't figure them out. Maybe they made sense. Maybe it would be easier on him if he knew why they 'shouldn't' be together. It was hard not knowing the reasons behind his words. It made it feel like every time he held back it was to no purpose, or at least to a needlessly painful purpose.

He wanted to talk to Jimin about it so bad. He didn't know how. He wanted to try and convince him that they could be together, but he didn't know why they 'couldn't'. It was pretty simple in his mind. If they liked each other they should be together.

That was the most frustrating part. Jungkook was so sure Jimin liked him. Even though he hadn't come right out and said it, he knew it in his guts. They had kissed for god's sake, and it hadn't been one sided. Jimin was even the one who had initiated it and had definitely kissed him back.

He thought of Jimin pulling him close during their kiss...

Why would he do that if he didn't want to? Why did Jimin stop him when he tried to kiss him the second time? Why kiss him in the first place if he was going to push him away?

He felt so lost and heartbroken. Powerless to fix any of it.

The only thing to do was to shove it down and pretend that everything was fine when it wasn't. It was like he was constantly in front of cameras, putting on an act. Being only half of who he was. Every smile, every conversation he had, camera or no cameras, he was faking it all.

The only time he wasn't, was when he was alone. He didn't have to try and plaster a fake smile onto his face or pretend to be interested in a topic that he couldn't care less about. He could do whatever he wanted, whether it be just cry under the covers or plug his headphones in and try to drown out his own mind. Though the songs he listened to didn't really help. They weren't exactly happy.

It was late and he was alone in his and Namjoon's bedroom. His leader must still be out working on their upcoming album. 

Recently, Jungkook had been looking on the internet for LGBTQ music. He wanted something he could better relate to, rather than singing about girls. It just didn't feel right for his situation, and he thought if he could find something in the LGBTQ community, it might help himself cope. To his dismay there wasn't really gay music in Korea. Not ready to give up, he broadened his search. Through a lot of  tireless translating into English, he finally found a gay artist from London called Years and Years.