You're Seeing Things Again [GerIta Hetalia || APH]

Chapter 21: Failing

uhhh trigger warning for self harm-

Feliciano's breath hitched as he read some of the messages. He could feel his bottom lip start to quiver. He kept trying to convince himself the statements weren't true, but in the end his mind couldn't steer away the idea that they were, in fact, true.

"You we're a slut in high school, and you always will be one."

"If you weren't so desperate, we would have never met. Think about how slutty you had to be for us to meet on an adult website, you whore"

"You know I'm right. And once your boy-toy grows tired, you'll come crawling back to me."

"Go on, I know you left me for my brother. He's your new toy isn't he? Go on and make him your temporary sex slave."

"You dress for attention. You always have shown off too much skin. Dirty slut."

Feli could feel tears welding up in his eyes. Ludwig was watching a movie so he could do it without being seen. He just needed the item.

The Italian male stood up from his bed and started walking to his bathroom. He was sniffling a good bit, tears threatening to fall.

As soon as he reached the bathroom he shut and locked the door. He dug in a drawer. He pulled out a stained razor blade. It barely shined and was dull from use.

Feliciano said down the side of his cabinet, landing on a soft carpet below him. He held the razor in between his fingers as he slowly slipped his pants down to his ankles.

He'd been saving this razor for whenever he needed it again. He felt no remorse for the fact he was about to break his 5 month streak of being cut free.

Tears glided down his cheeks, falling onto his thighs. He ran his fingers over some scars he had from the past times. He could feel a lump building in his throat as he brought the blade up to his skin.

He remembered how he was in the past. A slut, as Gilbert had said.

One cut.

He thought about himself nowadays. What had changed since then?

Two cuts.

He still dressed for attention, as Gilbert said.

Three cuts.

He always wanted people to love and adore him. He was an attention whore.

Four cuts.

He thought about where he was in life. He hadn't dated anyone since Gilbert. He knew he was alone and nobody would love him again.

Even Gilbert didn't respect him. He still wanted him, but only because Feliciano had wanted first.

He always failed everyone too. He wasn't reliable. He even failed Gilbert, the only person who wanted him. Even while trying to be loved, he would be sneered at and called names. He would never be good enough.

He knew he had a small ego, anything could hurt him, but he always acted perfectly fine. No matter how hard he tried to be perfect for others... he couldn't do it.

He would always be alone.

Alone. Nobody would want him. Only staying to get what they want, then leaving... is that what happened with Gilbert too?

He took in a sharp breath as he prepared for a final pain.

Five cuts...

This last one was much deeper.

Tears felt rapidly. Feliciano kept wiping but more would fall. He really was pitiful. He never felt worthy enough, he put on an act so long he even fooled himself.

He fooled himself to think he should not die.

He fooled himself into thinking he life was worth living, even though it clearly wasn't.

He hung his head. He was so pathetic he took to cutting. Even if he wanted to stop, it was addicting.

After a while of sitting, the pain would make his body numb and he wouldn't think straight. This is what he wanted. A feeling of nothingness.

It actually matched his life. Something that should be dead should feel nothing forever. Be unloved and untouched.

The only reason his forced himself up is the fact he heard his name from downstairs.

Well... he actually sat for a few more minutes, until the voice called out again, "Feliciano! Get your ass down here!!!"

Feliciano could hear some footsteps come up the stairs and he panicked. He sat up ame dropped the razor blade where it was.

He pulled off toilet paper and tried to wipe some of the blood off, throwing it into the small trash can. Unfortunately, the last cut wouldn't stop bleeding.

He heard steps approaching and quickly pulled up his pants. He looked himself in the mirror and wiped his face, he looked... decent.

He could maybe say he was feeling sick if they asked. He straightened out his clothes and unlocked the door. He took a sharp breath and opened the door.

He stepped out and faced the voice. Lovino had just made it up the stairs and was snarling, "Feli, why didn't you come down earlier???"

Feliciano looked down and simply started walking. He checked his hands for blood as he got closer to Lovino.

The sneering Italian quietly huffed and started heading back downstairs, "We thought something was wrong or something happened since you didn't come down sooner."
Feliciano had no response. Even if he didn't have time to numb up, he still felt slightly detached from everything around him.

As soon as he hit the flat floor he looked around. Ludwig sat alone of one side of the huge couch, while Antonio sat on the other side.

Lovino hurried over to Antonio, sitting decently close to him. An arm was out over his shoulder, to which he retracted and got all pissy.

Feliciano awkwardly shuffled to Ludwig, who immediately noticed something was up. Something different than before. Though, he kept his mouth shut. He could tell it was a private thing.

If he asked Feli, he risked everyone in the room knowing and making a dog pile of questions. He didn't want to make Feliciano stressed.

He could ask later... but he'd probably do it when a more appropriate tone had entered the room, or if he found some drastic thing out.

All of these facts and ideas crowded Ludwig in a matter of 30 seconds. He thinks to much :D Feliciano was sitting next to him by the time his pondering session ended. He looked directly down at his lap and seemed to have a blank expression.

Ludwig hated seeing Feliciano upset, he truly did. He really wanted him to feel better, whatever it was. He would do his best to help. He always would. He wrapped an arm around Feliciano, hoping to quietly console him.