Was I meant to feel happy?

they know...

trigger warning

-eating disorder

-self-harm

-self-deprecating 

-mention of suicide 

izuku POV

113.2lbs, ok it went down.. that's good I guess

not good enough 

I know 

you're still too fat 

I know

I put in my earbuds. it's my escape, my escape from this horrible world. 

playing Dirty Town by Mother Mother.

  music helps me feel without it I just feel empty, I only feel the overwhelming emptiness. when I put in my earbuds I can forget everything, forget the pain, forget the fact that ill never be enough, forget the world. 

^^^^ time skip ^^^^^ a week later (cuz I'm lazy)

I haven't gone to class much lately. it's not that I don't want to, I just can't get up somedays no matter how hard I try.

I'm going to school tomorrow no matter what.

you should weigh yourself (btw when it's in bold like this its the voice in his head)

ok...

I walk over to the bathroom, I take off all of my clothes in fear of them adding weight. I wait anxiously for the numbers to stop changing 

99.8lbs 

a wave of relief rushes over me *sigh* 

I've only been living on monster energy drinks lately. my dorm is littered with cans, I haven't been able to pick up much lately.

^^^^time skip^^^^ in the morning

my alarm sounds so much more annoying than I remember.

shit, I said I would go to school today, didn't I? I swing my body out of bed. I struggle to get to my feet. I walk over to my dresser. I grab my uniform, when I put it on I notice that it is baggier than usual.

 I walk to class, alone like usual wearing my earbuds. I get up to the big class 1-A door I push it open, and everyone heads turn to look at me. I can feel my face turning red so I briskly walk over to my desk, and I bury my head in my arms. 

I don't remember much of Aizawa-Sensei's lecture. I was too aware of everything around me, every little noise. My anxiety was through the roof, my heart was racing.

 I can't stand it anymore, I get up and run out of class. I ran to the bathroom, flinging the stall door open. My body slumps onto the seat my head buried in my knees I start to cry, something I had not truly done in a long time. it felt good, all this pent-up emotion finally being released. I find my composure, and I get up to go splash water on my face. I walk back t the 1-A classroom.

"where were you?" Aizawa-Sensei asked 

"I'm sorry for running out like that," I say as a say with a smile plastered on my face 

"I don't know what came over me, it won't happen again." my cheesy smile starts to fade into a somewhat sad face. 

of course, no one notices like usual. 

It's not like I want them to notice, but weirdly, I kinda want them to. I don't want to have to wear this mask all the time maybe if they knew it would be easier.