𝑰𝑵𝑲 • 𝑻𝒆𝒘𝒌𝒆𝒔𝒃𝒖𝒓𝒚 / 𝑳𝒐𝒖𝒊𝒔 𝑷𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒓𝒊𝒅𝒈𝒆

Final Words

Dear Flo,

If you are reading this, I have done what I set out to do.

As I am writing this, it is night. Only, my nights and days have blended into hours that cannot seem to pass quickly enough. The time I spend awake feels heavy, soaked in thoughts that I can't put into words, and the time I spend asleep, though scarce, is torturous.

I will my heavy eyelids to remain open for as long as they possibly can, resisting the urge to shut my eyes and drift off. Because I know that once I do, I'll see you again. You'll be right there, in front of me, faded like the glare on a window, or apart like water in a vase. These things make sense to me, and I can only hope that they make sense to you too.

I know it's not really you though, and that's the worst part. You're haunting me Florence. You've always haunted me, but it's worse now than it was before. Because I used to know that the worst of it would be over when I woke up, I'd forget the dream and go see you. But now, waking up is worse.

That's what happened tonight. That's what woke me up. That's why I'm writing this letter.

Because I can't live like this Flo.

I leave for London in the morning, I've decided that just now. There are some people I need to talk to who I think might be able to help me. I don't know how long it will take, and whether or not it's even possible, but I need to at least try. And if you're reading this letter, wherever you are, then that means it worked.

Enclosed in the envelope you received is a contract. I had it specially written for you.

I don't want to own you Flo, even just the thought of it feels wrong. It was ignorant of me to ask that of you, I know that now. And If I could go back, I wouldn't have asked. Not until I'd done this.

Things have been unfair for you. I've been unfair to you. And I've seen it on your face enough times to know that that's how you feel. There are things people want for you and from you, that you yourself don't want. But you don't owe anyone anything and I need for you to know that.

The marriage contract is official, entirely legal, and completely yours. It states that both parties remain in possession of their belongings, both physical and financial. It also grants you all the liberties that I've had all my life. The law can only be pushed so far and so things would have to remain under my name, but I'd give them all to you, to keep.

Nothing has to change Flo. We could be together the way we were before, but we wouldn't have to hide it. I'm not going to turn into someone else, if that's what you're afraid of. I won't make you do things you don't want to do. Never.

And if you want to leave everything behind and disappear, I can only ask that you take me with you. I'm being serious, I'd do it. At risk of sounding ungrateful and blinded by privilege, I can confidently say that you mean more to me than everything I have. You are the most important person in my life, and have been since we were little.

I'm asking you to marry me because it's what I want. Not because it's what is expected of me. Not because it's the natural course of action or what everyone else is doing. But because I want to be with you in body, and in name.

I want to appear beside you in every photograph. My signature next to yours on every invitation, document, and Christmas letter. I want to lie next to you every night until the day that I die. And you can call me morbid, but I want to know that I'll be buried beside you when the time comes. With 'loving husband' written on my gravestone.

Theres one more contract. This one grants you the freedoms of widowhood. You'd assume all responsibilities of both parties without requiring a spouse.