The True Alpha: Invictus // jjk

04: Bitterness

The sound of shuffle coated the walls of Jungkook and Hani's cabin that morning. The girl sitting on a light blue carpet, meticulously, went over the toys and the clothes that she had stuffed in boxes and drawers just a few months prior. It was painful to her, grabbing each object, feeling the fabric, going over the memories they awakened in her mind – the ones that she had numbed and darkened with a brush full of guilt. Abruptly, she felt herself swell like a balloon ready to pop. A balloon where she was, foolishly and stupidly, attempting to gather all those memories of the toddler and that yet, was too thin, too frail to contain the hurt that filled her veins; and so, the more she pushed it, the more the balloon swell and at last, it exploded. Harshly, Hani threw the clothes that she had been holding far away from her. Her shoulders slumped and immediately, her hands raised to hide the tears that spilled from her eyes. The Alpha happened to enter the room at the same time as the girl's outburst. Jungkook had walked in with a big grin on his face, holding proudly a plate with warm pancakes which he had decorated with fresh fruit; however, now, he was worried. The sight in front of him caused his heart to panic, his eyes to shake.

However, it seemed to be short – Hani's outburst. Quickly and feverishly, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and then, she took a deep breath and proceeded to continue on going through Fai's belongings. Jungkook carefully put down the plate he was holding and cautiously, unsure of what he should do or say, he approached her. The girl sensed his presence, she felt the carpet shift under The Alpha's weight, but she didn't move. Instead, tremulously her hands caressed one of the toddler's blankets.

"Are you having a tough time?" The girl was silent; worriedly, Jungkook gazed at her. Sighing, Hani attempted to ignore his words. Her emotions brought her shame and she didn't want to cast her bitterness and fear onto Jungkook's happiness and excitement. "Hani..." He continued on calling for her; tenderly, his hands caressed her arms. "C'mon, you can tell me whatever it is that's upsetting you."

"I'm the one who's upsetting me" Harshly, the girl stated; frustration was crystal clear in her eyes. Jungkook stared agape at her, not understanding what such lines could mean. There was anger in her voice, something bitter swirled in her tongue – a taste and a tone that did not fit her. Jungkook was evidently taken back and upon locking her eyes with his, Hani immediately wished she could bit her tongue, but the words were already rushing out before she ever had the chance to filter them. "I'm making myself upset because I'm being... selfish. This is wrong, going through Fai's belongings is wrong. I don't want to replace Fai. It's too..." Her voice grew weak, sadness pooled inside her mouth. "It's too soon."

"You're not replacing Fai, baby"

"Not willingly. But what if we do it, unconsciously? Without ever wanting to... what if we replace him, Jungkook." Abruptly, Jungkook's mouth opened to fire a bundle of arguments at her; arguments filled with the certainty and the assertiveness that usually coated his words. And still, Hani's fears continued on spilling faster than The Alpha's will. "What if, after this baby comes, we just get so excited and invest so much on them, that we forget Fai? What if, with time, when we look at these toys and these clothes, instead of seeing him, we see the baby? I don't want to erase Fai out of our memories, Jungkook, no matter how painful it is to be able to still remember him. Neither do I want us to welcome this baby as if they are Fai. This whole situation is so bitter... I'm happy but I'm also... angry that we didn't get to experience this with him... neither when we had him or when he found his way back to us. I just don't want to leave him behind, you know?"

In all honesty, Jungkook had never thought of things like that. To be really honest, Jungkook hadn't thought at all about it. He had invested all his focus, all his energy on enjoying the news of Hani's pregnancy as if it was an individual event, something magical that was unrelated to anything else in the world; that he failed to see the domino effect and the ties that were connected to it. Hani's head was bent slightly down, she stared at the toys that were sprawled next to her feet. Jungkook scanned the room. The bed he had made for the toddler, the matching furniture, the light blue walls he had painted, Fai's height was still marked on the door. The room was still Fai's, everything there still carried lingering traces of his existence, that's why entering there and staying, had always been a painful challenge to them. If they were to re-use the things that used to be his, then existences would merge and blend; the stronger one – the more vivid and lively one – would consume the other. And so, with time, like Hani had said, Fai would be replaced.