The True Alpha: Invictus // jjk

10: Absence.

A/N: thank you so much for 1k reads on the third book of these series,, i love you all so much <3<3 I'll keep on working hard!

Hani had fallen asleep as soon as Jungkook had taken her back to their cabin. Despite the worry and the concern that were crystal clear in her eyes, Hani was pressured to rest; in an incessant non-stopping flow of words and lines, Jungkook almost begged her to sleep. And so, she did, even if it displeased her to leave him alone when, surely, the weight of responsibility and guilt weighted heavily on his shoulders. If sleeping was all that she could do to reassure him, then she would do it; and with that thought in mind, she allowed him to tuck her in bed. Only was she able to close her eyes peacefully, once she felt him entering the bed with her; sneaking his arm under her, gluing his body to hers, nuzzling his face on her neck, breathing calmly, rhythmically against her skin. However, the girl's rest didn't last for long. Jolting, her body alerted her to something. Her eyes shot up and panicking, she took notice of Jungkook's absence in bed. As her senses awakened, her ears filled themselves with the sound of sobbing, of an aggressive wailing.

She turned around; hoping to find Jungkook there next to her, believing that the crying came from someplace else in the pack. Hani was wrong and her heart twisted and turned in pain at the sight. For Jungkook, sitting at the foot of their bed, cried aggressively by himself. With his head hidden in his hands, bowing and succumbing to an overwhelming feeling of regret; he sobbed loudly, certain that the girl was asleep, that she couldn't hear or see him. Confident that he was hidden from her, from them. There was shame, embarrassment that coated his body, mind and heart.

That conversation with his father echoed in his mind; repeated and replayed incessantly, as if it was making sure, it would never be forgotten. The words and the lines fuelled a dormant embarrassment in him; they ignited it once more, similarly to how it had done in the past, on the nights Jungkook remembered what he had done or wondered on what he could have done. He was conflicted, torn inside his own personality and identity. Mercilessly, Jungkook threw himself from one side to the other of his heart, clashing and shattering wall after wall of pain, ripping each and every single mask he had covered his anger with. Jungkook was unavoidably crumbling on his own self; it was not pretty, it was gruesome and violent. Unfitting of him and of the person he desperately hoped to become, to mould himself into being. What had changed in him from that time as a young boy and now? Had he really... had Ulric done to him the same thing he had done to his father? Had he forced him too, to feed off others, of those who are keen to him, in order to obtain power? Was that what Jungkook had been doing all along? Searching for reasons and ways to justify the gruesome things he did. When had carving wood, listening, helping been replaced by killing and destroying? He told his father that he would practice every day to become more like him, to be able to fully and wholly imbue the admiration and the amazement he had for him in his own body. But what had he become in the meantime? Without his father to guide him through life, without not even a compass to direct him towards right and wrong; Jungkook was forced to figure all of that out by himself. No, not all by himself. No, in fact, he had chosen something else to guide him; something unworthy, disgusting, revolting. Jungkook had allowed it to corrupt him, to erase and twist the memories he had. He had not become his father, he had become... himself; or a certain "I" that he wasn't proud of.

Neither had Jungkook become better than his father like the man hoped he would. Neither had his future been as bright as his father wished to be. And truthfully, Jungkook couldn't pinpoint to what extend it was his fault, his life had ended up in the way it was. He couldn't remember the crossroads he had been stuck in, he couldn't see which choices had been for the "right" or for the "wrong"; for in fact, when he did decide something, he did it for him. Context, situation, scene, consequence, desire, greed, selfishness – those wore the factors he took in consideration. Everything that he was doing, all those battles and wars, he chose to participate in; the decision was not for the "better". The better path would be to avoid it, wouldn't it? To avoid all the death, all the pain he was forcing all those people to go through. But, strongly he believed – and this he could not shake – that his decision, despite not being for the better, it was for them – Hani, the baby, him. It was for them, solemnly for them. For him to replace the family he lost, for the girl to be able to see life and experience all those things she craved for, for the baby to grow safe and sound, without having to worry about battles and enemies, dangers and threats, roles and prophecies. Jungkook aspired for an eternal freedom, a freedom devoid of constraints, for his children.