Athena Grace (currently being re-written)

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alexithymia
Definition: the inability to express your feelings
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Athena Grace

Sophie walks alongside me while I walk inside the building. The venue is huge, but considering the amount of people they've invited it's very much needed..

The event is hosted by Johnes Co., for what? I'm not really sure. I haven't been in the right space of mind lately. And I have a specific gmail on my phone that's making it feel heavier and heavier by the minute, and I'm yet to check the information inside of it.

Sophie told me it's important to show my face, and show support for the Johnes because we have been working along with them for years now. Every Johnes's I see I stop and speak with them, I congratulate them but I'm way too lost in thought to focus on what the actual conversation is about.

Sophie keeps giving me a furrowed look, obviously aware that I'm not a hundred present at the moment.

"Excuse us" Sophie says to the people around us before quickly taking me towards the women's bathroom.

Once inside she checks if anyones here, when sure we are alone she closes the bathroom door and locks it with the key before looking at me with a concerned gaze.

"Are you alright?" she asked softly.

I let out a breath like my dress might suffocate me.

I'm in a stylish black satin featuring a square neckline, thigh high slit. With a satin scarf hanging from my neck and draped over my back. My hair is styled in a high updo, with two front pieces out in the front. My makeup is kept simple. But I feel suffocated. Maybe it's the scarf. Fucking hell.

I open my mouth and close it again. No words leaving my mouth.

"What's wrong Athena?" she asks softly her

"Nothing"

"Athena, you're my closest friend, and I've known you long enough to know when something is wrong?"

"I-" she looks at me patiently waiting. Her brows are scrunched together. "I did something"

"Alright" she drags out the word, not understanding what I could've done to possibly be so out of it for "what did you do?"

Sophie and I are very similar in many aspects, her parents were murdered when she was very young. Then she was sent to an orphanage because her grandfather didn't want to take her in. But she was never adopted by someone, she had to grow up in the foster house till she turned 18. We met in school and became close friends immediately.

"I was just really curious, you know? I had this nagging feeling like I needed to find out. Like I deserved to know. But now I've got all the answers sitting in my phone, and I just can't bring myself to look. I want to know, but I can't. It feels like I don't even have the right to know, I- i am so fucking scarred to know.-"

"Calm down, Athena! And start from the beginning."

"I went to Los Angeles. And I went to the- i went to the orphan my biological parents left me. I have their names and everything the orphan had of them in gmail." silence falls over us

Sophie's eyes are wide. Something shifts in her eyes but it's gone in a mer second.

"And who are they?" she ask slowly, like shes trying to solve something in her head.

"I'm too scared to open it and see" she lets out a sigh, not sure why.

"Maybe you shouldn't. After all they left you there athena" i flinched at her comment and she realised what she said. "Fuck. that's not what i meant. But maybe it's just best you don't know"

We stand in silence. And I think over the options I have. I want to know. I really do. And  I have enough self control to not reach out to them if I know their names.

"No i want to know" before i can second guess myself i open the gmail they sent me. And download the pdf in gmail. Sophie does not utter a word, but she does move from in front of me to my side so she can see my phone screen too.

Fuck it. I click open the pdf.

Child name: Athena Grace Ferrari

Mother name: Lucia Ferrari

Father name: Dante Ferrari

Sibling names: Elio, Remeo, Emilio and Alanzo

At the end of the document there is a line for the parent to sign. Over that line is a signature I've become all too familiar with lately.

Oh my fucking god. I don't need to control myself to not reach out to my biological parents. Because my fucking dumdass is already fucking working with them.

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And she finally knows. How to we feel about that?
(Edited)