Atelophobia; njh (ON HOLD)

three

// I've been losing sleep. Dreaming about the things that we could be. 

...

I woke up in the middle of the night but I soon realized that I couldn't move or speak. I could see the position that I was lying in and I noticed the fear inside of me that grew bigger and bigger by every second. I tried to move or scream for help but it didn't work. I knew what this was. It was sleep paralysis and I hate it so much. I get it almost every day and it's the reason why I don't go to school often. I could barely breath but i had the luck that it ended earlier than on other days I was sweating and my heart was racing really fast. Sitting up the fastest I could, I turned my lights on and checked what time it is.

4:36AM

2 hours left until I usually need to wake up for school. I checked my phone but I didn't get any messages , wow what a surprise. I put my phone back to it's place and laid back on my bed. I felt asleep fast and luckily didn't get sleep paralysis again.

...

When I woke up 2 hours later , I felt bad. My head hurt a lot and the first thing I have done was to mute my alarm. I decided to not go to school because my friends aren't there anyways (for some reason). And I slowly started to hate school because of how much I am embarrassing myself. I literally feel like it's getting worse by every day. Usually I love school! I really do .. But the last days of school went by so bad. I don't have fun like I used to have. I don't even understand a little thing what the teacher is talking about. 

Enough of school! I tried to sleep but it didn't work. So I took my laptop and checked my tumblr. You should know that I am using tumblr as my own "online diary" (if you can say it like that). I write and post poems about how I am feeling and it mostly depends on how the day was going. Let's be honest: I don't have many followers but who cares ? I do it for myself. I do it to relieve stress. It may sound awkward but this is my kind of therapy. Others go to the gym, draw, sing,dance, .. and I write in my online diary. And I'm totally satisfied with telling the internet how I am feeling. It helps me a lot and I can recommend to everyone who hasn't a way to relieve stress yet. 

"Oh I laughed, 

Oh I smiled, 

I told jokes, 

Then I stopped,

And thought about it. 

Did they see that I was only faking ? 

Did they see the brokenness ? "

.. 

After a few hours of going trough tumblr I decided to call my friend Becka. She is the one who can understand me. She is the one who can cheer me up when nobody else can. She brightens up my mood even if I push her away. Becka is literally the nicest human being. She wouldn't even hurt dust if you could. 

I tried to call her a few times but she didn't answer. Whats going on ? I didn't hear anything of my best friends since school started and it's starting to get .. scary ? i don't know .. are they hating me ? did they find out about my secret ? Well I hope they didn't. I would probably change my name and move to another country. No one should ever find out.

..

I stared at my Computer screen as I got a message on tumblr , which suprised me a lot since I did never get a message on here. 

" Why haven't you been in school today ? " -Anonymous

WHAT THE ?!.. is this a freaking joke or something ? No one knows about my tumblr . N O    O N E. It's like giving your diary to someone , why would you do that ? the answer is you don't! Who ever this person is he or she could know everything about all of my secrets, feelings, and much more.And that person can tell everyone in school and- so many things went trough my mind. And i knew that i had to do something. I just haven't figured out what to do yet. I need to calm down. I'm panicking over something that's not sure. It could be a coincidence and someone is joking with me. yeah that's it! I'm just gonna answer and I may get some answers ? A simple "Who are you ?" should be enough. I sure knew that he won't answer me like: " hi! I'm peter Clifford , 17 years old , greetings to your fam. btw i like to stalk you ! ! !". But it's worth the try. So I did it . 

I stared at my screen for a bit and the Message section showed a "1". And as soon as that happened all of my fears came back. I read the message. Wow. I never would have thought about a reply like this. I got goose bumps all over my body while reading it. I was scared like never before.

" You may find out when the time is coming.

But can you tell me who you are ? 

Who is the real Allie ? 

And why do you hide her so much ? 

You think that you're the only one who knows who you are- 

But the truth is: You are the only one who don't know. "