Things I can't//Larry Stylinson

Chapter 17

***Wish I didn't need so much of you. I hate to say, but I do***

When I wake up the next day, I'm still very tired. I haven't slept very well. More like I haven't slept at all. My mind was busy with the only person who can make me feel like I'm living my best life or like a shit. Yes, we're talking about Louis.

I make myself a cup of tea. I sit at the table in the kitchen and I just stare at the wall in front of me. Do you ever feel like your body is so heavy and you have no strength, that you can't even move your eyeballs. That's exactly how I feel.

I stare, stare and stare. The time flies so fast that it's already 11am. I hear my phone. There is a new message from Mitch.

Hey, haven't heard from u in a while. How ya doin?

Gosh, I was so busy by thinking about that person and trying to understand what's going on, that I completly forgot to keep in touch with my best friend. I'm such a terrible friend.

"Hi, listen, I'm sorry. There was a lot on my mind and I- I'm just so sorry." I finish and take a deep breath.

"Harry, that's okay. Tell me what happened."

He's my best friend, so I obviously told him everything. I told him every single detail about the house, about his behaviour and every single word that left his mouth.

"Wow, he really cares about you so much. Honestly I think he didn't lose his feelings for you."

"You think so?"

"Definitely. Why else would he buy your house to make a whole temple of Larry out of it. I mean he gathered every single thing that somehow screams Larry and put it all in the house you two shared."

"You got a point. But he never called me or even texted me for two years," I protest.

"Well, isn't that because he couldn't? He sacrificed his freedom for yours. He loves you more than anything. Even though he couldn't show you the love, he expressed it in his songs."

"His- his songs?" 

"Yeah, if you really listen to the lyrics you'll find out the truth."

"Okay, thank you, Mitch. You helped me a lot."

"No problem. Talk to you later, bye."

"Bye."

I sigh. Mitch might be right. Did really Louis write about me?

There is only one way to find out.

I open spotify, find Louis and without thinking again, because I'm scared that I might change my mind, I press play.

You're a nightmare on the dance floor
And you hate me, and I want more
You're a total distraction

I don't hate you man. Okay, maybe I did.

Don't you let it kill you
Even when it hurts like hell
Oh, whatever tears you apart
Don't let it break your heart
Time takes time to heal it
You can't do it by yourself
Oh, whatever tears you apart
Don't let it break your heart

Gosh, I feel that. However sometimes the time isn't enough. But as Louis said, don't let it break your precious heart.

Even when I'm on my own
I know I won't be alone
Tattooed on my heart are the words of your favourite song
I know you'll be looking down
Swear I'm gonna make you proud
I'll be living one life for the two of us

This song made me cry so much. It's such an intense song. It's beautifully written. I know she's proud of him.

Share a single bed and tell each other what we dream about
Things we'd never say to someone else out loud
We were only kids, just tryna work it out
Wonder what they'd think if they could see us now

We used to do that a lot. Even at the beginning of our careers, we slept in the same bed and talked for hours about everything. I could talk about stupid things and Louis would always listen. I miss those times.

I'm sorry that I hurt you, darling, no oh. We were too young I've been looking back a lot lately. Me and you is all I've ever known. It's hard to think you could ever hate me. But everything's really different now. Oh, I can't believe I gave into the pressure. They said a love like this would never last. So I cut you off. 'Cause I didn't know no better. Now I realize, yeah, I realize

Gosh, he's so loud. If only I would have listened. He said it all here. I would know that they pressured him to leave me, because love like this would never last. What a bullshit.

Nothing makes you hurt like hurtin' who you love 
And no amount of words will ever be enough 
I looked you in the eyes, saw that I was lost 
For every question "why", you were my "because" 

The last line is probably my favorite, because he used to tell me this all the time. He told me that everything he does, he does for me. He never broke this, he even left me, only for my freedom. Shit, why am I so stupid and blind.

Took some time 'Cause I've ran out of energy. Playing someone I've heard I'm supposed to be. Honestly, I don't have to choose anymore. But it's been ages, different stages. Come so far from Princess Park, I'll always need ya, in front of me

Princess Park. What a lovely memory. He says he will always need me, but now I feel like I am the one who needs him more than ever.

I'm wasting my time when it was always you, always you. Chasing the high, but it was always you, always you. Should have never let you go, oh oh. Should have never let you go oh, my baby

You should have never let me go. But it was always you too, Lou.

Tell me, do you, tell me, do you still remember feeling young?
Tell me the truth, tell me, do you still remember feelin' young
And strong enough to get it wrong in front of all these people?
Just for tonight, look inside and spark that memory of you
Strong enough to get it wrong in front of all these people

Honestly there has been one time when we were ready to risk it all. We wanted to let everyone know that we love each other, that we are together. But before we were able to show the truth, the management was there to stop us. Sometimes I wonder what could have happened, if we really kissed in front of the arena full of people.

You never do, but if you asked me to
I'll tell the truth lyin' next to you
'Cause you're the only one when it's said and done
You make me feel like being someone good to you
Even at your worst, you steal the scene and it's unrehearsed
Don't you wanna dance? Just a little dance
I'll never stop given half the chance

He was good to me. He still is.

Been up all night
All night running all my lines
But it's only the truth
Been up all night
Not sure how to say this right
Got so much to lose

Wow, this is exactly how I feel. How we both felt. We wanted to say the truth, however it's not that easy. There is so much to lose. We could have ended careers of our three best friends and that's unacceptable.

It's a church of burnt romances and I'm too far gone to pray. It's a solo song and it's only for the brave. If the truth tell, darling, you fell like there ain't enough dying stars in your sky. It's a tall tale, and it's only hello, hello, no goodbye

Lmao, do people really think he's straight after this song. This is so loud.

After listening to all of his songs, I understand him a bit better. Suddenly it makes much more sense. He does express himself through his songs a lot and I think that's amazing.

Honestly I need to talk to him again.

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Hey guys!

I wanted to dedicate this chapter to Louis' lyrics. He's an amazing songwriter and he deserves the whole world. Love him so much.

Vote and comment <3

Mary x