The beloved companionship of sadness

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So, to really get into the story I will tell you a bit about me. My name is Linnie, I'm still 17 years old, turning 18 in 31 days. I am diagnosted with depression, 2 different types, multiple anxieties, I'm bipolar and I struggle with self-identity issues. I just broke up with my girlfriend, well now my ex, 2 weeks ago. She suffers from depression, so do I. Let me tell you, that is absolutely no good combination. I thought it might be easier to understand each other but in the end it just broke me. Me were dating for around a year. It was hard to break up, definetely. But it surprises me how fast my progress goes with getting over it. It seems that she has a worse time with the getting over thing. I'm really sorry for her, I should have thought about that from the start, she realy loved me and even her family accepted me, I felt accepted, now I'm letting it all go.

I don't wanna loose more people, I already lost too many. Some died of natural causes, but some killed themselves. It is really hard for me to process it. The last suicide was a month ago. It's traumatizing. I don't like to think about death, it gives me goosebumps. But who likes to think about it, huh? I'm glad I have people I can search for when I'm struggling again. Like I said, I don't tell many people, but when I trust someone enough, I'll openly talk about my issues if they're willing to listen.

So, there is this one amazing friend of mine, I personally think I'm talking to much about my problems, but she says it's okay, They all say it is okay. Maybe I should trust them with saying that. Maybe I should slow down with blabbering about my problems when everyone has their own. I don't want to be a burden. I probably just overthink everything, I always do.

When I think about it, how broken I am, with my own problems, but I still listen to the issues of others, trying to help and taking their burdens as best as I can. what if the people I trust with my issues go through the same? Will I break them? Should I stop? Am I even able to leave the new found comfort in this person behind? I will see I guess. I should focus on reflecting my problems more than searching for someone to listen to me. I don't want to be the "friend" who only comes to you when she is feeling down. I don't wanna be like that. Why can't I just change it then? Easier said than done. I'm talking about letting go of comfort, a safe place, a best friend. It is not easy at all.

I always check on people I think I "bother", I don't want them to leave my life nor do I want to hate me, I try my best on satisfying the people around me. I'm not like a pet or a slave, they don't use me, I just try to make them as happy as they can be in the moment. And exactly that is my problem. I'm a people pleaser. I put everyone on first place, leaving myself behind, I try to fit in but also not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm confident, I know my strengths, my weaknesses, I know I'm not pretty, I like myself. I have my own style, I wear it proudly in public and I don't listen to what people might think about me then. I'm not weak, well, maybe a little bit.