MY HEART HOLDS IT ALL

THE OTHER ME

Now, I just pretend to be a cold-hearted person. Aloof from everyone so as not to get attached to others. Sometimes I ask myself, "How did I end up like this?".

"When did it all start?"

There is a part of me that is screaming inside of me to return. Wanting for return of my original self. But there is this darkness inside, eating me alive. It's been 4 years since we had a breakdown. I still remember every single bit of those 8 months. I was so happy. The light at the darkest period of one's life.

"Do I miss it?" I still wonder.

When it left, I fell back into that darkness. This time it was different because I fell in it so deep that I am still falling in this bottomless darkness. Deep down, I know that I should swim back. But the other me filled with darkness is pulling the last bit of kind, happy, optimistic and loving fragment held by me down. I still haven't found the one to break my fall into that dark bottomless ocean.

You might be wondering," Why can't she do it herself?".

"Why is there any need for someone to save you?". 

Well, you all are right about all the things. I could have done it long back if it was up to me. But what you don't know is that I trusted everyone around me so much that they pushed me one after the other endlessly in this never-ending darkness. With time, it took me more and more effort, time and energy to get back. Now when I got pushed down. I didn't bother to swim up.

The kindness, love for others, smile, happiness and my habit of trusting others was stripped into that lonely black ocean. I am laying down the bricks to build a wall around my heart with my own hands. 

"If no one comes in. I will be safe this time", I believe now. I might be wrong. But still, I can at least survive this life. The scars are so deep and ugly. I am afraid to show them to others.

Little by little, as time goes by, I am laying the guard around myself layer by layer, cutting me off from my ability to feel any emotion. Just little by little, I die inside every day to put on a smile. It all happened little by little. No one noticed. 

Everyone fell in love with that smile little by little.