Teen Idols And Happy Meals

Popcorn and Perfection

Nikki's POV

I never made a conscious decision to become a hypocrite, but it must have happened at one point or another. I didn't want it to be true, but it was. I was a hypocrite, and I couldn't help it.

I knew I didn't have a leg to stand on in this argument with Jacen. I was mad at him for lying, even though I hadn't told him my real name until after our first date. I was mad at him for doing coke even though I had enough drugs in my bag to get me locked up for life. I was mad at him for not being perfect, even though God knows I'm far from perfect myself.

Jacen was right and I was a hypocrite; of these two things I was fully aware. But it didn't change anything. Logically, I knew I had no right to be upset, but it didn't change the fact that I was. I was crushed, betrayed, heartbroken. Jacen had been my little girl dream, and now I was painfully awake.

There was no such thing as perfection. I thought I'd found it in Jacen but I was wrong. He was every bit as fucked up as Carter and Scott and Caddie. Every bit as fucked up as well, me. And because I was a hypocrite, I couldn't move past it.

He must have called me a hundred times that week. I didn't pick up once, but I listened to his messages; all fifty two of them. Unlike the text messages though, I didn't delete them. I played them over and over again, hoping that if I listened to him apologize enough I would forgive him. So far, no luck. My heart still ached with betrayal and I didn't know why.

He came by my house the day before. I had Joey tell him I wasn't home. Jacen saw through the act though. He'd shouted upstairs - demanded that I come down, told me to stop being a coward. But I'd just sat in my room with my hands clamped over my ears. Eventually he'd left, and I watched him drive away on his motorcycle as the first snowflakes of winter fell from a pearly sky, and cried.

I wanted to forgive him, more than anything. But every time I looked up at his face, every time I heard his voice, I imagined him overdosing in some seedy club, or getting shot by a dealer on some street corner. And the pain of that was too much for me to bear. I couldn't love Jacen if he didn't love himself. I couldn't put myself through that.

I'd thought that a clean break would be the best thing, for both of us. And for that reason I hadn't returned any of his calls or texts. I'd even changed my work hours in hopes that he wouldn't be able to find me here, which was how I'd ended up wiping down the soda machine that Friday evening in the middle of the dinner rush; the worst time to be at McDonalds.

Adults in business suits were running in and out, chatting away on their Bluetooths and picking up happy meals for their kids, waiting for them at babysitters. Half the football team sat in the back at a bunch of pushed together tables, getting their fill of carbs and protein after a tiring practice. Scott waved to me and I tried to smile back.

Jacen's new movie was playing across the street and as a result, the Friday night crowd was even thicker. Ninth grade girls in promotional t-shirts sat in clusters, tittering with excitement, while two prissy girls from my gym class sat with their dates, making faces at their salads as they whined about being late to the movie.

I sighed, wiping down the soda machine, sticky from where countless kids had spilled their fruit punch. I glanced up at the clock on the wall. I would be out of here soon. Then I could go home and slave over my homework speedily, take a shower, and head out to the fucking Docks. As much as the idea of going there, to the place Jacen and I had ended things, repulsed me, I didn't have much choice. I couldn't pay the bills with ethics, couldn't feed my brothers with morality.

I rubbed my tired eyes, my head pounding from the chaotic sounds of the joint. I hadn't been sleeping well this past week. It was no wonder; Jacen was haunting my dreams. When I closed my eyes, I saw him standing on that dock, dripping and freezing and calling my name. And I wonder, for the millionth time, if that was lake water running down his face or tears.