You are the reasons

I wish we could go back to when she wasn't dating him. But I can't force things to go back to how it used to be even if it's all I want. The little smirk, the looks, the flirting, the cuddles. The endless movie nights where we would end up falling asleep. I can't stop loving her.

Everything is meaningless, you're having a hard time finding a reason to move forward, the task of getting out of bed in the morning or showering everyday seems like a burden that is too hard to accomplish. You feel like a burden.

——

You're casually in the living room with the team, everyone's doing their thing like usual. You're in your head, asking yourself why can't your life be exciting. You see all these people having fun and living life to the fullest while you're stuck inside your head overthinking everything.

"y/n, are you okay?" Wanda say.

"yes."
*no I'm not.
I never feel good. I cry a lot. I don't sleep.* you think.

"are you sure?"

"yes I am. Nothing traumatic has happened to me. I'm sure other people have it way worse. They deserve to say they're not okay."

"y/n what's going on? Just please tell me what you feel, be honest with me.. please"

"You want me to be honest?"
"You know what? here it is."
"It's going to happen again soon. I know it. I wasn't really happy. I was just distracted, laughing with the team a little too hard.
I'm going to slip again and the darkness will take over again.
It's going to happen again soon.
It always does.
And always will."

"what are you -"

"oh and I miss it. I really do. I know I shouldn't but I do and I can't help myself. I miss it. I miss the relief I feel when I do it."

"y/n what are you trying to say? say more cuz if it's what I'm thinking about then don't."

"you know what? It doesn't matter, you won't understand."

"y/n please don't shut me out"

~everyone's just stand there, trying to figure out what just happened.~

——

You go to your room and shut your door, making sure it's locked.

You've done this before.

You hear Wanda knocking on your door.

"y/n, you need to open the door for me, please." She says.

You don't answer.

You don't care.

You don't want to talk to her.

But you know you'll have to eventually.

But for now you refuse to talk.

You refuse to do anything but stay in your bed.

You're not talking to her. You can't. You know that if you do, you'll have this sudden urge to tell her everything and lose her in the process because you're too hard to handle and you can't let that happen, you can't lose her. You can't. Because everyone who knew, left you. So it's better for both of you that you don't talk. 

"y/n, please talk to me, I'm worried about you."

Still nothing.

"I won't get out of here until you talk to me."

Nothing.

She waits and waits.

She waits until it's been 1 hour that you're laying in your bed saying nothing. She keeps begging you to talk to her but you don't.