𝐛𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐞 (𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘴)

❛❛chapter twenty-eight: rumors❜❜

No matter how much I want to, I can't truly hate him. I just can't. He can piss me off. He can make me go mad. But I'll always have a soft spot for Lennon. I need to come to terms with that, and until I do, I'll be stuck in disbelief. Denial is the worst place to be because you are essentially gaslighting yourself. I heard a few knocks at the door, and before I could respond, someone walked in. I knew it had to be Paul because he never waited for an answer. I had my head stuffed in a pillow where I had screamed several times. It didn't solve my problems, but it made me feel a bit better. 

I rolled over so I could see him, "Paul, go away." 

"You forgot to get me beer. Also, where's yer sweater?"

"Ruined. I don't wanna talk about it. Get out," I said sternly.

He persisted and sat down on the bed. He leaned his head against my thigh as he hummed softly. He had a beautiful voice, and it calmed me down. I felt a bit bad about ruining our night and their dumb game. I don't think any of them won, but it would've been John anyway.

"Where's everyone?" I softly brushed my hands through his hair.

"Ash had to go 'cause his brother kept callin', George fell asleep on yer couch, and John is... Well, he's just sittin' out there. He wouldn't talk to me, so I came in 'ere," He shifted to his side, "Yer better company anyhow."

"Flatterin'," I pressed my lips into a thin line.

He softly laughed at my annoyance. Then stretched his arms upward and yawned like a cat. I felt my eyes grow heavier with sleep, and I could tell he was tired too. I didn't really want to sleep; I mean, I couldn't. My mind was racing and trying to rationalize everything that happened today and the times before. I was recapping to make sure I wasn't in the wrong. We'd fallen in love as teens, but our jobs separated us slowly. Then I stupidly fell for Stu, which angered John. We had our spat, and we split off to different countries. I was helplessly in love with the bastard and made myself miserable. When I came back, I tried to get over him. He was with Cyn and obviously would not end things, so I decided to find someone else! I met Kip, who was awful. After being emotionally and physically abused by him, John was there for me. He'd always been there, like when my mom and dad died. But Powell was still in the picture, and I couldn't do anything about it. I met Isaiah by fate and have loved him since. I don't understand where I went wrong?

"Hey, Sadie, you okay?" Paul mumbled.

John and him had kept up with that name, and I didn't actually mind it. It suited me better, or at least I think. Little Ritchie was onto something.

"I'm fine."

He slowly scooted up closer and rested his head on a different pillow. I looked at him and gave a reassuring smile.

"I swear it," I put a hand on my heart.

He nodded and slung an arm over me. He pulled me into a comforting hug. How he knew that's just what I needed was beyond me. I could've cried because of how pure it was. Sometimes I underestimate Paul. My eyes started to blink shut for more extended periods. I was too tired to keep opening them, so I just kept them closed. Soon my dreams drifted over my open mind.

❧June 18, 1963☙

John and I hadn't got in an awful row since May. Sure, I'd get angry at him here and there for the glares he'd give Isaiah and me, but it was standard now. He hadn't once said anything nice about Ash, and I don't think he ever will. It's disappointing, but I can't make him adore Marlon as I do. That in itself is impossible for anyone! Maybe Isaia's mother could come close to my love for the lad, but that's a bit far-fetched. Anyway, we ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I was so happy about it too. John, not so much. He'd complain loudly about it while talking to one of the others just so I'd hear him. It really made me angry that he couldn't just be happy for me. I say, how hard was it to just let go of whatever grudge he has against Ash? If he genuinely cared about me, he'd do that. I know it to be true.