Sometimes I think of killing myself.
I used to be happy with my mistakes when I was depressed. I blamed it all on it and almost got away with everything. Faults defaulted to depressive psychotic repulsive actions and were trashed out. None stuck around in my head to poke holes cause I kept saying " oh its cause, I'm depressed, not cause I'm inefficient".
I never let bad get to me too hard. I was always one step ahead with the depressed excuse. Now that I have somewhat recovered from it with no absolute skills to kill the evolved negative thoughts that now fit perfectly into my brain cells forever, I'm lost. Almost like I'm alone and everyone hates me. And in the process of building up negative control over myself, I have achieved to sabotage my inner strength control system to a point where thinking bad about myself is the new normal and if something good is happening its cause bad is about to follow and that I was just getting that little sweet pleasure of life before getting stabbed to death.
I wanna learn to drain. To drain the negative thoughts clogging my brain cells, my mind, and my soul. I wanna take things easy on me and give myself a little rest on the way. I wanna be my solace and know that when shit gets real I need a place within me to confide in for mental healing. I wanna be strong and able. I wanna be confident and secure. Leader and a boss. I need strength and courage with a lot of bravery. I need to learn to find happiness when alone, deal with problems without asking for distractions, and see past my failures right into where I messed up so I could work on them later.
If I had all that, I would be whole. And it seems like I am far from it. So far that I would never reach in this lifetime.
Hence I'm leaving, for good of course.
The world failed me. Broke me. And now with the missing pieces, I would never be that kid that drew flowers and rainbows. The world hurt me too much. I'm scared and withdrawn. I don't know what to say or when to close my mouth.
In this regretful moment, I bring my attention to the last statement of my testimony.
I failed me.
