The Reality Behind The Happiness

Part 1

Do not cry, do not weep.
It will not bring me back.
My soul has since departed.
Do not cry, do not weep.
I am not that headstone you pour your tears near,
Nor is it necessary to miss something gone forever.
Do not cry, do not weep.
Granted, my body no longer breathes,
But I have been dead long before that.
Do cry, do weep.
For it is my funeral,
And I'm six feet under.
No longer seen,
No longer heard.

I woke up this morning. I wish I didn't. Every days the same. No beginning. No end.
Just the same painful cycle, and it gets to the point where there is no point. There is a constant cloud of darkness that seems to always cover me and never leaves. Depression is like a never ending numbness of emotion. You cant empathise anything and your emotions just don't care. You won't understand. Just like everyone else. It's all just a mind game messing with me. Ruining my life. Why should I feel like this? I've got everything I need in life.
Education, Food, Friends and a roof over my head. I love to paint. I'm not a artist but it passes time. Every-time I am sad I will go to the bathroom and paint. Painting was my way of coping. But I didn't paint normally. My paintbrush was a knife, my paint was blood, and the canvas was my arm. My paintings always came out beautiful. It made me smile. Depression is like where the world goes dull. Trees turn grey, laughter sounds like tears but I try to make everyone else happy while I forget about myself. It feels like I'm drowning but I'm watching everyone else breathe. It's trying to let go of all the pain and hurt that you're going through, but realising letting go of that means letting go of yourself because the darkness becomes part of you and it's almost comforting because you've hit rock bottom and you can't go any lower.  I hide all the problems behind a smile . When I sleep it stops. Everything stops, but then I have to wake up and everything starts again. The pain. The loneliness. Feeling empty. I make sure everyone else's pain is dealt with and knowing I can't even deal with my own. You start to feel useless, broken and never good enough. You start to feel what everyone feels of you or what they think of you. It's a constant contradiction. How do I get motivated while being depressed? Just forget about it, it's all in my head no need to worry. In reality I just want to be accepted for who I am. It's too much to ask for. I'm there for everybody but nobody is there for me. I never follow my own advice. For me I just care about everyone else and try to help everyone. I don't even care about myself anymore. I don't feel anything, When I do feel I can't cope it devours me, consuming my heart and soul completely, leaving me a visitor in my own body. Everyone says the same. "It will get better." But will it really? Everything feels like a blur. I am scared to be judged or if I do anything wrong. Sometimes it feels like a whole that can't be filled. Depression is like a knife that keeps going in deeper and deeper. Everyone seems to know me. They don't really know me. They may know my name but not my story. Only you know my story.  I don't mind hearing about other peoples pain. It's a change from drowning in my own. People blame my pain on grief. Perhaps they could be right. My hero died. But a hero should be the one saving us. He couldn't save himself.
The addiction won. The worse thing about losing a parent, is home doesn't feel like home. Home feels like a house. A house that is empty and sorrowful. Like the life that used to be within us all, had died with them. It's knowing you won't hear their voice or feel their touch, it's knowing you lost them too young. It's knowing nothing will ever feel the same again. It's thinking about all the things you could've done. All the things you should've done. It's knowing you will never get a chance to do them. It's knowing they're gone forever. Grief is weird. Why does God take the people the need most? I cant cope. My chest feels heavy. I'm gasping for air. I wasn't prepared for this. Or did I deserve this for being such a horrible person? So my mother says. I'm the daughter she probably never wished to have. I don't blame her. I make her depressed. But when I open up about my feelings and thoughts I'm considered dramatic. I just want the pain to go. Nothing can take my pain away. The only option seems to be death. This feeling consumes me silently, no one can see it. Sometimes I wish I was alone surrounded by the presence of my childhood that never seemed to exist yet I long to go back to it everyday. I'm trying. I really am. Schools getting too hard. Strange how a place you loved and went to go as a escape from everywhere else is now the place you can't even last a hour in. My anxiety kills me. I always feel like I need to throw up. The whole world spins around me. I cant stop shaking. The bathroom is a escape for me just to sit and cry. You are probably reading this thinking I'm so messed up. Honestly I'm just so misunderstood. Nobody understands, but wish they did when you die. There's only so much I can take. There's so much I have to say but nothing I can get out. What's the point of opening up to anyone? They probably don't even care. They're selfish. They only care about themselves. Anyways if I did as if they could help me if I can't even help myself. I'm so tired of arguing with everyone. It's my fault. It's my attitude. I'm sorry for turning out like this. I have no one. How much longer am I going to feel like this? Life is pointless. Especially when we all die. There's no difference between now and when I'm actually going to die. It's crazy how I could die tonight and not a single person walking this earth would know what was going on inside of me. I could die tomorrow. Next year. Next week. We never know. Only I will know or God will know.
Each day just gets worse. I just become more numb and numb. It feels like no one loves me.
Nothing feels real. I hate myself. I genuinely do.
The way I look, the way I love, the way I am. Me. Just me. No matter how much I would change myself. It never satisfied me. Or anyone else. Nothing makes me happy.
Not even the things that used to make me happy. When I think about it, I was never a truly happy person.
Sure there were moments of contentment but none were everlasting.
Happiness for me always came with a price,
So I've decided it's better to permanently stay in this place of pity and destruction rather than  allowing a temporary happiness to give me hope of a different life, a different me.
Especially when this is all there will ever be.
Everyday is the same routine and I'm tired of living like this.
I'm sorry.
Do not cry, do not weep.
It will not bring me back.
My soul has since departed.
Do not cry, do not weep.
I am not that headstone you pour your tears near,
Nor is it necessary to miss something gone forever.
Do not cry, do not weep.
Granted, my body no longer breathes,
But I have been dead long before that.
Do cry, do weep.
For it is my funeral,
And I'm six feet under.
No longer seen,
No longer heard,
Forever a memory nothing more.
I'm sorry reader, I'm so sorry I wish that I was enough but I'm trapped in these endless pages running the same race but you my love go and run yours.
I envy you, reader. You just turn the pages back and time rewinds. Say goodbye to her for me.