Destined

This is something that I don’t and may never be able to understand, how could God, my Loving God let this happen to me? It’s like choosing between life and death, a choice that I’m not sure I’m qualified to make. My hand shook furiously in his, my breaths shortened. All I knew was that I loved him and that I could never love anyone else with so much certainty and passion.  My Family and friends surrounded us. I moved my honey brown hair out of my eyes, and got down on my knees. Our eyes were level, our foreheads touched, I held his face with my free hand, “I love you” I said, tears flooding my lined eyes “But I just can’t.” These are the words that I couldn’t bring myself to say. We had only been dating for two months yet we felt so connected, being apart made us both sick this was the love that I’d imagined since I was young, now that it’s here present circumstances cloud my conscience. I led him away from our families we walked into the shower room off of the dock, “Kevin” My speech was light, “You know that I love you. But, How are we gonna cope with this?” He looked at me, his face softened

. “We will make a way, we always do. God always does. Don’t you believe that babe?”

“I do. But...”

He grabbed my hands and knelt on his knees. I thought he was going to do it again, propose. He didn’t.

“Let’s pray” he said. I knelt in front of him our foreheads touching again, we both smiled at the slightest touch. We prayed, asking God to reveal his plan. We prayed for what felt like hours and waited patiently for God to answer.

After about thirty minutes Kevin realized that our family was still outside, He left to thank them all for coming. I could hear my mom outside asking what we talked about, how I had responded. Kevin responded with a simple. “Rhea will probably call you when she decides” I could imagine his expression, his demeanor. I loved him, I loved the way he talked to my parents, I loved that they loved him I loved that he loved me. I loved him.  My heart was heavy I was full of questions. I needed God to answer me then. I said a silent prayer. Then Kevin walked in, I smiled when he came in drenched from the rain. My stomach was buzzing with butterflies. I was beaming. Every Time I saw him I began beaming. He grabbed my hand and it gave me the same shock as it had the first time he touched me. His presence made my day perfect and his touch made me smile. That’s when I was positive. Positive I loved him positive we would be together forever. He lifted me up and we stood face to face. I looked into his eyes and smiled', my heart beat quickly. We were holding hands again. “Yes.” I said. “I will marry you” I smiled, he smiled. We smiled. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me from the ground. We spun in circles until we were dizzy and we stood there looking into each other’s eyes and smiling. “I love you” he whispered into my ear before he kissed me. “Thank You.”  

Thank You, I thought about that until I fell asleep. I knew why he said it but I wanted to hear him explain it. I didn’t know why. Why I wanted that. I knew that would break his heart. It would break him to say that he was the reason we may  never consummate our marriage. The reason I might never experience that. He thanked me for giving up what I thought I’d been waiting for. I know it’s crazy enough but it didn’t matter, me loving him mattered and I had to let the doubt go, God would make it work.