Ruedelia's Repose

F O U R

Despite the mayhem happening just behind us in what I now knew was Grace Tim's house, the street outside was peaceful and quiet, and the cool breeze brought on by the transition from Summer into Autumn was light and gentle.

Everything seemed like it was untouched, and a charged energy of stillness settled over the night as Silas and I walked through it.

As we traveled, I tried my best to take in as much of my surroundings as possible so I could look back and remember a vivid picture of this point in time because I knew that every moment I spent with Silas would be meaningful.

While we walked, I looked up at the sky and took note of how bright the stars were. So bright, in fact, that the trees that lined the streets and obstructed most of the sky from view did little to block out the light emitting from the moon and stars.

"I could never see the stars in New York.", Silas spoke quietly, like he didn't want his voice to disturb the noiseless bubble we'd unconsciously hidden ourselves away in, but it didn't bother me.

He never did. Though, subconsciously, I was always waiting for his behavior to change or fluctuate even a little, but it didn't. Like, regardless of the bustling city he'd come from and the busy life he'd undoubtably lived before his move, he would remain forever unchanged by his surroundings because he was just that secure in who he was as a person.

How? I had no idea.

I'd built my entire persona based off my interactions with the people around me because it was the only way I knew how to adapt and survive.

Sure, I kept to myself, but at the end of the day, people affected me more than they realized, and that was something I despised about myself. It was another thing to add to my list of self deprecation—never mind the fact that I was incredible at hiding behind the mask I'd created for my self.

I still knew that my insecurities were there, ever-present in everything I did.

I glanced over at Silas to see him looking up at the sky like I had been.

"Do the stars here make you feel like you missed out?"

Silas looked at me and shrugged. "Maybe a little, but I'm here now.", he said. "There's no reason for me to think back to when I couldn't see them all the time.", he said, and, again, I was in awe of how he could say things like that. Things that made him seem like he held the world in his palms--like he had ultimate control.

Where was his teenage angst? His worry?

Where were his nervous tendencies and the awkwardness?

I shook my head at my thoughts, and Silas chuckled.

"What?", he asked, nudging me a little as we passed a mailbox with white and pink balloons attached and floating languidly through the air, and I wondered who's birthday it was.

"I'm always wondering why you're so calm all the time.", I admitted, side eyeing him as he pushed his hands into his jean pockets.

He lifted an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Hmm.", I thought for a moment. "In reference to your, like, energy? I guess?", I reiterated nervously, and Silas smiled, nodding his head a bit.

"I get you.", he reassured. "And I guess I'm like this because I've always been happy and comfortable. I've never had to worry about anything.", he shrugged and kicked a rock into a trash can. The sound of the collision was deep and hollow, but it somehow fit the moment we were in.

"Even with football.", he continued. "If that doesn't work out, I can travel the world if I want to.", he shrugged, and I couldn't help but notice that he did that a lot. Like he was brushing off the things that didn't matter to him, and at this rate, his list of meaningless things was a mile long.

I frowned. "Well if you have no worries, and you don't care about football, what do you care about?", I wondered.

Silas watched the park ahead of us grow closer as he thought about what he was going to say.

"My family and friends.", he answered, and I gestured for him to continue, but he didn't.

"That's it?"

He nodded once. "That's it.", he confirmed. "My family and friends are the only things in my life that can't be replaced or substituted, so they're the only things that matter.", he said.

I turned my eyes away from him and realized we were at the park.

I pushed the gate open and made my way over to the swings.

"Come push me.", I said excitedly, lightly pushing my self back and forth.

Silas scoffed. "What if I wanna swing too?", he asked, but he made his way over to me and began pushing me anyway.

"Pssh. Sucker.", I mumbled, but Silas heard me.

He stopped pushing and walked around to stand in front of me, his arms crossed as an offended look took over his features.

"What'd you just call me?", he questioned, tilting his head daringly.

I smiled my best innocent smile as I slowly came to a stop. "A sucker.", I said again, grinning mischievously.

Silas squinted his eyes, his lips curved upward in a mirthful smirk. "Is that so?"

I nodded once dramatically. "Tis so, good sir.", I vocalized, a horribly posh english accent gracing the empty park with its presence.

Silas laughed out, and I fought against the strong urge to giggle proudly at the genuine sound I'd brought from within him.

"You're funny.", he admitted, chuckling lightly in the aftermath of his laughter.

I nodded. "Yeah, I know.", I agreed. "You'd have found out sooner if you actually tried to speak to me.", I scolded, giving him a pointed look.

He sighed. "I know, I know. You don't have to remind me.", he said, completely accepting of my ill feelings towards our stunted relationship, though, inside, I knew it was also my fault. I hadn't made any effort to get to know him either.

I shrugged off the hypocrisy. "Why did you never speak to me?", I wondered, and Silas trudged over to the swing next to me.

"I was too shy.", he admitted, looking straight ahead—presumably to avoid eye contact with me.

I frowned, a disbelieving smile growing my lips. "What?"

Silas scoffed. "Yeah...", he trailed off, then turned to look at me.

"The first time I saw you I-", he shook his head, "I didn't know how someone I'd never met could make me feel so...weird."

I scowled, confused. "Weird?"

Silas hummed. "Yeah.", he answered. "Everything about you drew me in—still does—and I guess it just scared me that I didn't know why."

Silas looked away from me again but I leaned closer to him and bumped his swing with mine. "Maybe it was love at first sight.", I suggested, grinning at my joke.

The smile faded from my face, however, when Silas studied me intensely with a thoughtful curve to his eyebrows, rather than agreeing with my playful jest with more joking around.

Instead, he said, "You may be right, Rue."