Emotional Connection

still figuring things out

James was struggling more and more to come to terms with whatever was going on in his mind, and he had a feeling that Jace was starting to notice his absent-mindedness. It didn't help that he was plagued by dreams of his roommate.
Really, it seemed fate loved to play cruel tricks, making him question himself all over again. For nearly twenty years, James had accepted his orientation, the fact that he didn't have romantic attraction or sexual attraction towards anyone. And now... well, he was still asexual.

But at twenty-seven, he was feeling what he'd only read about, or what close friends had described to him, for the first time. How he was supposed to process this was beyond him, and was also the reason he was still awake when Jace arrived home at half-eleven at night after a shift at the hospital.

"You alright, James?" Jace frowned a little, noticing the empty mug still cradled in his hands.

Nodding, James placed the mug on the counter. "Yeah, just can't sleep." James couldn't look at him, afraid if he did that Jace would see right through him.

"Can't sleep because of the coffee or so the coffee?"

He didn't know how to answer that at first. "Both?"

Laughing, Jace nodded. "Ok, give me five and I'll make some more coffee." He disappeared into his own room to change out of his work clothes, before emerging again. "You know, I wouldn't be surprised if one day you cut yourself and your blood has been replaced by coffee."

"I can make coffee, you can go to bed. It's late."

"I could do that, yeah," he agreed, setting the coffee machine to make James' favourite, "but then I wouldn't hear about what's got you up still when you have a strict bedtime of ten pm when you're not working."

James couldn't exactly argue with that; Jace would definitely see right through him if he tried to lie, and even then, it was hopelessly obvious something was bothering him.

Jace smiled gently, placing the cup of hazelnut cappuccino in front of his roommate and sitting opposite him at the breakfast bar. "What's going on? Whatever it is, I'm here for you, we can talk through it and try to figure out how to fix whatever problem you're stuck on."

Trying to find the right words was difficult, plus with the added anxiety of telling Jace that he might actually have feelings for him, it was a little overwhelming. Taking a deep breath, he managed to sort out what he was going to say. "So for as long as I've known I never really wanted to date anyone, I never found anyone really attracting, either in a romantic way or a sexual way. And now I think I might want to date someone? But I don't know, all I know is I've never felt like this before and it's weird and I don't know how to deal with it. Like, I'm nearly thirty, and I'm having to rethink my entire romantic orientation."

silence descended, and James wondered if he should have said so much now, but it was said and he couldn't take it back.

"Ok, well." Jace raised his eyebrows, trying to digest all of the information James had just given him. "That's definitely a conundrum. Ok, describe how you feel when you see them or when you talk to them, maybe then I can help you distinguish romantic feelings from anything else."

"Sort of... soft. Like my heart starts racing a little, and I feel sort of anxious, but like in a good way."

Jace nodded, "ok, yeah, that- that sounds like you could be experiencing romantic attraction. I'm assuming you don't sell any sexual attraction?" James shook his head. "Ok, that makes it a little less confusing, I suppose. Have you thought about dating them? Like, is that something you'd want to do? Like holding hands and kissing?"

James nodded, still not being brave enough to speak up about it.

Jace could feel his anxiety around the subject, noticing his hands shaking a little before grabbing the coffee and drinking half of it in one go. "Ok, so let's assume that you're not aromantic and that maybe you're something else. Guy or girl?"

"Guy. Which... that's something else I'm struggling with, but I can come to terms with that easier than the fact that I'm not aromantic. I don't know what's going on." He was shaking, he knew Jace had noticed, but he couldn't help it. It was a little overwhelming, questioning his identity all over again after so many years.

"Here," he moved around, sitting next to James and putting an arm around him, "we'll figure it out."

James nodded, leaning into Jace.

"Wanna watch a movie? Keep you at least a tiny bit distracted?" Jace suggested, and James nodded, though he didn't want to move. Jace laughed a little, before easily picking him up and carrying him over to the sofa. "If you end up dating this person, you best make sure they can handle your needy ass."

Pouting, James crossed his arms, though he knew Jace was just joking with him. And then he said something which he immediately regretted. "I'm fairly certain you already can."

It felt like time had stopped, Jace not moving, James holding his breath, wondering why the fuck he'd just said that out loud.

Jace turned, his expression one of shock and disbelief. "Are... Are you like, fucking with me right now? Are you joking or serious, like... Tell me if you're joking before I respond to that."

"I-" James looked a little lost, eyes wide, still trying to figure out why he'd said that. "I'm not." He spoke slowly, not sure how Jace was going to react.

Nodding, Jace turned back to the tv, inserting the DVD and pressing play before standing and sitting on the opposite side of the sofa, facing James, trying to form some sort of coherent sentence.

"I know you probably don't like me back, and that's ok, I really wasn't expecting you too, I was just so completely overwhelmed with the fact that I have all these-"

"Stop," Jace spoke quietly, but James still obeyed. "Let me just try and process this for a second."

Silence fell, James still an anxious wreck, pulling the blanket from the side over him and wrapping himself in it for comfort, Jace looking as though he didn't quite understand what was happening, staring at James.

"I- hm." Jace let out a sigh, looking to the ceiling, as one does when they're trying to figure out a particularly difficult maths problem. The both of them were ignoring the movie playing in the background. "Forgive me if I say the wrong thing. Ashley told me all about you before I came here, she used to write to me a lot, and when it was confirmed I'd be coming here and you agreed to let me stay with you, she even told me you were aro-ace. So, I knew coming here and living with you that we were to be strictly platonic, which I was fine with. It's what I had expected, you were what I expected. This I didn't expect, nor did I ever imagine."

James nodded, not meeting Jace's piercing gaze.

"But," Jace carried on, "A few weeks ago, three at most, small things just started building, you'd do something as small as leaving a cup of coffee for me to wake up to when I had the early morning shift, or you'd make me lunch or breakfast alongside your own without asking. Without having to ask. And..." Again, he tried to find the right words. "I told myself it wasn't allowed because as Ashley can attest, I don't deal very well with heartbreak or loss. And I didn't- I didn't want to lose your friendships or get heartbroken over someone who could never like me back. And now..."

"And now I do," James whispered, "and it's a bit much to process."

Jace nodded. "It's not that I don't want his, Merlin knows I do. But processing that I can is..."

James nodded, now looking up at Jace.

Jace felt like he couldn't breathe, as though he was drowning in whatever was going on in his mind, and wondered if James was feeling the same. He reached out a hand, which was quickly taken, and pulled James close to him, wrapping his arms around him, shifting to lie down.

"You're going to make us both fall off this sofa." James squirmed.

"Only- only if you keep moving!" He laughed in response, managing to successfully lie on the sofa, head resting on a cushion, with James lying on top of him, trapped between his arms and his chest.

James rested his head under Jace's chin, hugging him as best as he could lying down. "Thank you." He mumbled, staring at the tv, not really able to pay any attention.

"What for?"

"Helping."

Jace grinned, letting out quiet chuckle. "Any time."