Lost on the battlefield

Chapter 5: My funeral.

I woke up, the sound of sirens pounding in my eardrums as a team of paramedics leant over me, shuffling me onto a stretcher then shoving me into the back of a vehicle and closing the doors. I didn't appear to be moving, but the crowd of people had gone and all I could hear was the soft murmur of voices. My eyes flickered open to stare at a young woman, a blue mask over nose and mouth, and bright blue gloves clinging tightly to her fingers.

"W-what happened?" I muttered.

"Don't worry, you don't need to be taken to hospital." a male voice replied as I turned to see him take a seat next to the woman, both wearing the same uniform. They helped me sit up as I felt my head begin to buzz with a headache.

"You had a panic attack, but we were able to get to you before you did too much damage to yourself." I sighed, hanging my head in shame. The whole school would have seen my black out, and if life hated me as much as it already does, they would bring it up just as much as my eyes. All I can do is add it onto the list of things wrong with me.

"It is unsure what the panic attack was about, but we would advise speaking to someone to try and find the cause," I gave a small nod in reply as they read through their notes. "We do have a few questions for you to answer before you leave if that is okay?"

"Yes, that's fine," I answered, taking a few sips from my cup of water they had given me.

"Do you have panic attacks often?" I shrugged my shoulders not knowing what it actually felt like to have one. "Okay, do you ever have any of the following symptoms; shaking, nauser, disorientation, irregular heartbeats, breathlessness or dizziness?"

"Yes," I recalled back all the times I had begun to have everything they just named. "What does that mean?"

"Do you have multiple of the symptoms at the same time?" I gave a worried nod. "These are symptoms of panic attacks. You appear to be having regular panic attacks but the cause is unclear at the present moment."

The world numbed around me as the words sunk in and my mind switched to autopilot, I didn't even notice my mind's absence until I reached my front door, and I stood outside, loosely holding onto the handle contemplating entering.

My soft carpet cushioned my feet as I locked my bedroom door and took a long shower letting the water roll down my cheeks along with my tears, my mascara creating thick black streaks across my jaw. I scrubbed my skin with soap before getting out and changing into a thick jumper and leggings. I crawled into bed pulling the covers over my head and letting sleep take my exhausted body to rest.

The bell rang in my ears as I stood facing my locker collecting my books for the long day ahead. I turned about to walk to my lesson as Maddison stood in front of me, Levi's arm looped around her shoulders and a pitied expression over her face, but I didn't want it. I didn't want her pity.

"Don't-" I began as she held her hand up stopping me from talking, a sigh escaping her lips.

"Look, Addilyn. You've been my friend for a long time, but I'm not sure if I can do this anymore, I'm not sure if I can deal with whatever it was that happened to you yesterday. It was just too traumatic for me, and I don't deserve to have to put up with that all the time, you're just too high maintenance now. I'm sorry, I really am but this is the right thing for both of us." I stood there, shocked at her words before I noticed the smug grin over Levi's cheeks.

"What?" I cursed myself as my voice broke, giving away my pain as the only person I had left in my life, left me too.

"She doesn't want to be your friend anymore, did you not get that?" Levi spoke up, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Sorry Addilyn, but I can't." Maddison continued, before turning and walking down the hallway and Levi faced me briefly.

"That's a shame though," he spoke, lowering his neck until his face was millimeters away from mine. "If you weren't so broken, you'd be good to go to once I'm finished with her." he nodded down the hall after Maddison, then smirked following her through the crowd that remained staring at me.

I swung my locker door shut, running off down the corridor to the girls bathroom, locking it shut behind me as I crouched on the seat crying into my knees, my sobs quieting over time. I listened to the bell ring a couple times as three lessons passed, then I finally left knowing that no one would still be around. So I quickly got up sprinting out of the school and down the road till I reached the park a couple minutes from my house.

I followed the path until it led to the bridge standing over the running river, deep and merciless below. I leant over the edge, pulling my jacket closer around my neck as the icy wind blew through my hair. I looked further on, up the path remembering the walks I used to take along here with my parents, my uncles house was only minutes away.

But it was never going to be like that, I was never going to be happy again. I slowly pulled myself onto the thick railings of the bridge with my shaking arms as I swung them out for balance, steadying myself. I looked down to the frosty water. It wasn't a big drop, only a couple feet, but it was worth a try. If the drop didn't kill me then the freezing temperatures surely would. Wouldn't they?

I took one last look ahead, down the valley and along the winding path of the river, relishing in the last beauties of life. At least if I was to die, the last I would remember would be the olive leaves upon the evergreen trees and the birds, sawing through the sky above me. I took a deep breath looking down at my feet.

"I'm sorry Mum. I'm sorry Dad. I don't have the strength anymore even though I should. I know you would have wanted so much more from me but I have nothing left to give, not anymore." I felt burning tears streaming down my face.

"Hey! Don't-" I spun around quickly towards the voice but before I could see their face I felt the back of my heel tip off the edge and I lost my balance, seeing the stone walls getting further and further away, a silhouette hand reaching over the edge as everything went cold and I plummeted into the depths below, the icy water encasing me.

Everything went dark around me like I had a cover over my head, and that was when I felt my lungs pleading for oxygen. I kicked my legs fighting to get to the surface as I saw the dark figure of a person swimming towards me, my muscles felt as though they had given up on me. I couldn't move as I floated there, still, lifeless. I felt a hand slip around my waist from my back pulling me up until I felt my head break above the water, gasping for air as I was pulled closer to the edge and onto shore.

The world began to blur as I fought to keep my consciousness awake, but I could barely see my own hand in front of me. The figure hovered over me, his hair dark but his features unclear as I struggled to keep my eyes open for long enough before the darkness found me again.

I forced myself to sit up as my consciousness found me again. The air bit at my bare arms and my shaking hands as the memory of what happened came rushing back. I glanced around finding my shirt and jacket piled up to the side of me, my shoes and socks next to them. I looked down to see me in my trousers and an white oversized shirt, a small black rose printed on the top left side, my trousers dripping wet yet the shirt perfectly dry. But the thing was, this isn't my top.

I felt a sudden chill come over me as I pushed myself up, sliding my squelching shoes on and grabbing my wet clothes as I began climbing up and along the path back to my house. By the time I got back, my entire body was shaking frantically and the sun had set leaving a dull after glow.

I quickly stripped, submerging myself under the warm water of my bath. I stayed still, letting the water cool until I had finished thinking. Who saved me? Why did he save me? Why was I worth saving? Whoever it was, risked their life to save me, maybe it was a sign that I do mean something in this world, that I have a reason to stay alive for I just don't know it yet.

~x~