Calculus

27. (Izuna)

I couldn't help but feel a sting when he just left, not looking back, when the warning about the enemy approaching came.

I scolded myself. He was strong, competent, able. He'd fought so many battles before when I was far, far away. This wasn't any different. Why would he embrace me, kiss me, tell me he loved me when he would come back soon?

I was ordered to stay in the great hall, six of our best guards protecting me at first, as was their duty. But I ordered them out.

"You're more useful out there, preventing the enemy to come in here in the first place", I said. "Then, me and the rest will be in danger."

They obeyed, and I couldn't believe they hadn't figured out how little sense it made that the best, except Tobirama who had to lead the army, stayed behind to protect me.

I paced back and forth, back and forth. I hated staying behind, not helping. At the same time, I knew I was useless in battle.

"I need reports", I told the one guard I had allowed to stay by my side, not for my protection but for this purpose. "I need reports about what's going on. I'll support Tobirama best I can in making decisions."

The guard went out from time to time, got an overview of the battle situation, and reported back to me.

"The mines", I said. "The electrical mines. They don't need to be buried. Take them out and throw them."

This was a major part of how we would win the battle, even if we were outnumbered, and I would once again be known for my quick wits.

The final time the guard came in, he looked worried.

"Tobirama is stuck. He's stuck battling Madara's old personal guard on the cliff."

What?

I immediately stood to go out, but the guard put a hand to my shoulder.

"My king... It's dangerous."

I knew that. Beyond reason, I knew that. But how could I stay behind, just using my wits when the person I loved was in a battle of life and death? Madara's old personal guard was the only man in the country that could measure up to Tobirama.

I ran out.

As fast as my stupid flat shoes could carry me, I ran to the cliff. The fastest way was from the beach; it was a very steep route, requiring me to use my hands to climb, but I didn't have time to go around. I kicked my shoes off so my feet were bare, put my hands on the rocks and started climbing. The shards of stone cut through the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands, but I didn't care. All of the sounds around me were amplified; the scraping of skin against dirty stone, the washing of the waves over the beach...

And beneath it all the clashing of swords and grunting of two men in a battle of life and death. I immediately recognised the grunts of my lover, seeing I knew them quite well by now. Blood was pouring down my arms and legs as I reached the top, climbing over the side to the dry patch of grass on top.

And what I saw made me realise I was completely redundant because Tobirama was in complete control of the situation, despite him lacking armour and his horse lacking a saddle. Every blow was delivered by him, his opponent only blocking. He had a fire in his eyes that matched the red stripes on his face, his golden piercing that I'd played with my tongue so many times glistening in the sun that sometimes peeked through the grey clouds. I thought it was only a matter of time before he would win and I could run to him, take him in my arms, kiss him.

But that never happened.

I watched, lips slightly parted, as his opponent sliced his horse.

In the millisecond that followed, I had time for a million thoughts.

I thought that that was a clever move, seeing injury to someone he loved was the only thing that could catch my lover off guard.

I remembered his opponent knew him quite well, and thus must know this.

And I thought that Tobirama was done for, that the minuscule time during which he was distracted before he realised that was exactly what his enemy wanted would be enough for his opponent to overpower him.

And then, he was on the ground, my sweet love, his enemy above him, his sword raised.

I did a calculus.

During the breath I took from the moment he lifted his sword to the second it pierced me, I had calculated that Tobirama would have a much better life without me, if you compared it to the life I would have without him.

He didn't have nothing without me, as I had nothing without him.

Within that breath, I also wondered if I would have acted differently if I had realised I would do life without my other whole better than my other whole would do without me.

The answer was no, out of pure selfishness. I didn't want to live in a world in which he didn't exist.

I threw myself between the sword and my lover.

It was the best decision of my entire life.

As the sword pierced me, it took a while before I felt the pain. I had read many, many books where the hero got stabbed, and I wondered why none of them had prepared me for the pain. It crept up slowly from my heart, spread like a fire through my ribs and out to my fingertips.

And behind the pain, an inferno of fear started to burn.

I was afraid of the pain, and of dying.

"I'm leaving now, Tobirama."

And as I fell, I was still alive.

I felt the surge in my stomach as I plummeted to the ocean beneath me, the surface approaching so fast, it was all a blur.

I knew the rocks protruding through the water were waiting for me, that they would welcome me, crack my ribs and spine, chewing me so that the ocean could swallow me without effort.

This is going to hurt, I thought.

It didn't.

Because when my body hit the rocks, I was already dead.