09/20/21
1:00AM
It's funny to think how your relatives can be your run-to-people but can also be your enemy. They would care for you, but they would also hate you secretly, ruin you secretly. This is one of the reasons why I don't really try to trust every people I meet. I don't care how related we are. If I don't like you, I don't like you. Although there are some relatives that can be your bestie, but there are also relatives that can be your enemy. Possibly worst.
This is why I have my friends with me. Not because i needed someone for me to tell I am not alone. I have friends because I trust that person and that person trusts me. Cared for each other and even bicker sometimes. Could also become a human diary who knows half of a person's life. I mean, i couldn't blame my relatives if they do have reasons to hate me. I just don't like having the same blood as them while they're tryna ruin me.
Breaking the self esteem i built for years? Breaking my confidence i worked hard to build for years? I just can't tolerate any of those. I don't think I can even trust myself. How do I trust my relatives? I socialize with them, but not to an honest expressions showing. Not to the extent that I would open up something for them.
I am not blind to not see how they would look at me. Pitty? Disgust? Hate? Resent? I don't know. All i know is pain. Questions. Self blame; for just being me. I can't even move freely. I wanna dance, but I am stopping myself. I wanna sing but I am stopping myself. I wanna do something i want but i am f7cking stopping myself. I cannot even tell any of them, even my own family, my own problems.
I just, i just want to be me. I have trust issues which i didn't have before. I used to be so jolly and expressive before. I-- I am not me anymore. I am even afraid of skinships now. I don't feel comfortable other people's skin touching mine. But i put an act, and control myself. Probably just hope and pray all those skinships end.
1:30AM
