∂ıятy мαятıηı

↬chapter 9

tw: sh, depression
cw: mention of self-induced puke

a/n
I've written this chapter listening to freaks slowed, so I suggest you to do the same for a 360° experience (how professional lol)

"You're finally here, how was the casting?" Tammy asked walking towards me and kissing my cheek.
"What c- I... I wasn't the person they were searching for" I say making up a random excuse.
"Are you okay? You look pale as death" Debbie said from the other side of the room walking fast towards me.
"Of course" I chuckled.
I began to walk toward the fridge but she cut me off by placing herself in front of me.
She grabbed my chin and looked straight in my eyes for a while, analyzing me.

"wie lange verhungerst du shon?"

-translate-

"How long have you been starving yourself?" she asked with a deep yet empty gaze.
I noticed Lou turning toward us with a worried eye.

"ich verhungere nicht"

-translate-

"I'm not starving" I said chuckling and pulling her hand away.
I squared her for a moment then kept on my way to the fridge.
Everyone was staring at us with a confused gaze but Lou, she wasn't confused.
She was understanding everything and I realized it when I accidentally met her eyes.
I smirked at her and caught a beer from the fridge.
I turned around and Debbie was standing behind me,looking at me seriously.
I rose an eyebrow and she chuckled bitterly.

"müssen wir das nochmal durchmachen?
das erste mal war nicht genug?"

-translate-

"We have to go through this again?
The first time wasn't enough?"
I chuckled and walked away giving her a shove hitting her shoulder.
I saw her biting her inner cheek and heard her snorting.
That conversation was leading nowhere good so I began my way to my room, with all the girls' eyes on me.

"ich werde dich nich wie beim letzten Mal sich zerstören lassen, es ist ein verdammtes Versprechen"

-translate-

"I won't let you destroy yourself like the last time, it's a fucking promise" she said with an angry voice while pointing at me.
I felt the rage growing in me.
I smashed the beer on the floor, which was immediately covered in glassed sharps.
Tears began to run down my cheeks.
"Stop acting like you care, motherfucker" I yelled looking down from the upper floor.
Everyone was shocked and silent downstairs.
"Behave kiddo, this motherfucker is still your mother" she said striking me with her gaze.
I looked at the girls downstairs and her faces caused me to remember that I'd ever told them about Debbie being my mom.
At that sentence I began to laugh even if tears were still gliding from my e/c eyes.
"You're little late to mother me, Deborah" I said showing her my middle finger and slamming the door behind me.


"May I come in?" I heard Tammy asking from the other side of the door.
I wiped my tears and fixed the sheets on my bed.
"Yes" I whispered, wishing she couldn't hear but she did hear.
She entered with a soft, cute smile and I couldn't help but smile a little.
She sat beside me and wrapped an arm around me.
"What was that?" she asked
"Nothing important?"
"Well, it seemed to be kinda important, to be honest"
"In poor words, Debbie claims to have any mother-right on me, now that I'm 21"
"I'm sure that everything she says it's for your well being" she said cuddling my shoulder.
I squared her and snorted.
"You know german as well I guess" I said feeling dumb.
She nodded.
I chuckled, rubbed my eyes and stood up to light a cig.
I rested on the windowsill, holding an ashtray and looking at her.
"I've known Debbie for a lot of ye-"
"Don't worry, you've done nothing wrong" I said blowing out a drag of smoke.
I said nothing more, we kept on looking at each other in the most awkward silence ever, until her phone rang so she left to answer.


As I heard the door opening I woke up.
"I didn't mean to wake you up" Lou whispered.
She sat on the other side of the bed so backs were touching.
"Wanna talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about, I don't know what y'all are thinking but you're all wrong" Lou nodded and stood up.
"I just think you haven't realized it yet"
"There's no shit I need to realize, I'm fine"
Lou nodded rolling her eyes and left.
I felt my eyes getting wet and the need to yell and destroy everything growing strong in me.
My mind tarnished and automatically I took some pills and swallowed them.
I began to hear every sound around me muffled.
The world around me wasn't still, everything was spinning.
I felt myself outside my own body, I heard my own laughs even if I wasn't laughing.
I stood up in a brokenly and made my way toward the bathroom.
The sound of the door lock clicking echoed in my ears for long minutes.
I took a razor from the beauty case and sat in the bath tub, still dressed.
Water began to run from the faucet, it was too hot but I couldn't care less, I wasn't able to move a single muscle of my body.
Even my fingers felt heavy and out of my control.
The room was filled with heavy steam, my vision was blurred and the air was almost wet.
I moved my shorts upper and placed the razor on the highest part of my left thigh.
Before I could realize, the water in the tub was red and my thigh was covered in wounds but I felt nothing.
It was like hurting someone else's body.
I shoved the razor deeper and deeper but it was useless I didn't feel any kind of pain, it was frustrating.
I laid under the water and began to yell all the air in my lungs, without making any sound.
When I was out of the water, suddenly it was all black.


flashback