As We Burn

Eighteen.

Happiness has become a lifelong, frivolous struggle. I used to think it was because so many bad things were happening to me, and maybe in some cases that was true. Losing a parent at a young age and having your other one become an addict isn't easy, I know that. But now that I'm older, my sadness has become less of a hell and more of a safe haven. I've become comfortable in my pity, so much so that happiness itself has become a foreign feeling. I feel unsettled in peace - in a way it's worse, because I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Which is why now, after a wonderful day with Crispen, I feel a sort of relief that I've come across these dark objects. I knew things were going a little too well; it's just not the way life works, at least not for me. This sobering realization was what helped me put on a cool face as I told Crispen I suddenly wasn't feeling well and needed to get some rest. It was also the catalyst for my decision to find out exactly what he's hiding once and for all.

I lay in my bed now, completely awake, staring at the full moon through my window. Even the moon itself has its secrets. I look away. I clench my jaw and sigh frustratedly, still thinking about Crispen. None of it makes sense to me, how he can talk about wanting to build a connection with me while hiding behind a web of lies. And no matter how I try to spin it in my head, I know for a fact that Mathias Avery and his cult are toxic, if not potentially dangerous. I just don't understand why Crispen needs to lie about it. Is this some game he's playing on behalf of Mathias? Or maybe he just gets off on luring people in just to play with their emotions. He said I gave him wings, but he seems less like a fairy and more like a siren; dazzling me with his beauty and sweet nothings until I get close enough for him to tear me apart.

I recall what Ava said on our short phone call when we agreed to meet up tomorrow, that she was going to bring a friend who knew something important. I was too blinded by my rage to quite listen to what she was saying at the time, but now I'm curious. I don't know who it is she could be introducing me to, but now I wonder if it has anything to do with Onyxus, or Crispen. I haven't really formed much of a plan yet, other than somehow infiltrating the next Onyxus party and confronting Crispen while he's there and can't lie about it. And then I guess I call it quits, whatever we had going. The thought causes a lump to form at the bottom of my throat, so I go back to staring at the glow of the moon until eventually, it fades away.

I'm still in a depressive slump by the time I've finished my classes for the day, and I try my best to look somewhat cheerful as I make my way to the library to meet Ava and her mystery guest. I've been forcing any thoughts of Crispen out of my mind, but it's useless as everything reminds me of him - the smell of pumpkin lattes from the café, the Creative Minds contest posters taped to the walls, and literally every blonde person I see. I take a sip of my second coffee off the day, finding comfort in the familiar sharp taste. It bubbles in my empty stomach.

I finally arrive at my now second favourite place on campus since discovering the secret butterfly conservatory, and push through the large doors. Ava had texted me that she was on the upper level of the library, so I slowly step up the spiral staircase, passing by the ominous Laurelwood Lycan statue. It's cozier up here; the jade bookshelves are set in specific ways in between tables to allow for more privacy. I pass two tables until I come upon Ava typing on her laptop across from a boy in a tangerine coloured beanie that compliments his light brown skin, a silver hoop pierced into the side of his nose. He looks at me immediately, catching me off guard with his honey coloured eyes. Suddenly, I'm a little insecure about my black hoodie and unwashed hair.

"Finally," Ava teases, smiling at me. "Parker, this is Zander. He's in his first year, too."

Zander stands up from his seat and extends a hand, which I shake firmly. The warmth soothes my cold skin.

"Nice to meet you," I say softly.

"You too, Parker."

His voice is as delicate as his smile and slightly feminine. It suits him. Ava pulls out the chair beside her as I shuffle in behind her. I place my bag on the table, and it tumbles over, spilling its contents. Of course I forgot to close the zipper. Embarrassed, I begin shoving my things back inside.