As We Burn

Twenty-Nine.

Boyfriends.

I pause for a moment to see if he's being serious and to stabilize my spinning thoughts. I stare into his deep arctic eyes as I collect myself, the weight of the word sinking through my skin, beyond my bones, and into my consciousness.

We're moving fast. I know that, and somewhere deep inside of me, it terrifies me. Like a comet, burning bright and hurtling at top speeds, destined to obliterate itself onto the Earth's surface. But the reality is, I've been moving so slow my entire life that I wonder if I could use a little velocity.

It's been a little over two months since I met Crispen St. Clair. Two months since the foul mouthed, arrogant boy I met on my tumultuous first night in Laurelwood transformed into a sweet, emotional man who's filled a space in my heart that I never knew existed. He's still foul mouthed, but now it's become a part of his charm, just like everything else he does. It's bewildering how someone so opposite from me can be so similar in other ways; on the outside, we couldn't be any more different. Yet we've come to be kindred spirits, both overcoming a chaotic home life, searching for some sense of security in this unstable world. And we've found that in each other, I think. I know there's still a lot I don't know about Crispen, about his past. But for now, I'm choosing to love him in spite of that.

"But - I thought - you said you don't..." I struggle to form a complete sentence.

"I just told you that I love you, and we proceeded to have mind blowing sex. I don't think I really have a say in it anymore."

I let out a breath. His compliment eases my worries about my sexual perfromance and my cormparisons to his past partners, but I still wonder if he's only being nice. Trust him, my subconscious reminds me. I take a deep breath, letting a nervous giddiness take over me. Boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. For some reason, I never thought having a boyfriend was something that would happen to somebody like me. I used to dream of it, as I watched my high school peers go through relationship after relationship. But I made peace with the fact that I would always be the observer, and not the participant. Until I met him.

"Okay boyfriend," I say, the word foreign on my tongue. Crispen laughs as he pulls a fresh white t-shirt over his head.

"That's a first," he says, still smiling. I suppose it's true - Crispen may not have been a virgin like me, but I am his first boyfriend. The realization makes me feel even better.

My first instinct is to call my mom and tell her the news, but obviously I can't do that right now. I don't really feel like talking to Elliot, either, so I decide that Ava will be the first to know about my updated relationship status. Hopefully it will make her see just how deeply I care for Crispen and how happy he makes me.

Crispen tosses a pillow at me, interrupting my rumination. I stare at him in playful shock.

"We gotta get ready soon," he says. He's right - the sky outside of his window is quickly turning dark. I toss the pillow back at him as he pulls his underwear back on, and it bounces off of his head.

"You better shower then," I tease.

"You don't like me all hot and sweaty?" He places his hands behind his head and poses, pouting his lips.

I roll my eyes, but I can feel myself blushing. There's no way he could know how intoxicating his natural scent is to me. The mix of his sandalwood body wash and his sweat is almost like a drug - and I would gladly overdose. I redirect the subject.

"I shower everyday," I tell him. "I know it's probably bad for me somehow, but it just relaxes me. I think any sort of cleaning relaxes me."

"You're so weird," he teases.