As We Burn

Twenty-Two.

My world has been split into multiple variations of itself; right now, as I fold my laundry on the dining room table, I'm on my home planet. I'm the Parker from Eastview who keeps everything in order, whose primary focus is maintaining the best grade point average possible and protecting what remains of his fractured family. He keeps things organized and in control. Then there's the second planet, blooming with endless possibilities. The Parker on this planet gets drunk with his friends and flirts with strange boys, no longer finding comfort in his isolated conformity. The third and last planet has only just been discovered; a dark, glimmering gem hidden deep among the stars. This world is small, inhabited by only two people; myself and Crispen. It's a far off world, distant from anything and everyone else. It's there that I truly feel seen, understood. Wanted. The trouble is combining these three different realities into one harmonious existence. Sometimes I wonder if that's even possible. My mother and Elliot wouldn't believe me if I confessed the details of my private life the past few months. The thought is unnerving yet invigorating at the same time. Every choice I've made, good or bad, since moving here has been mine. It hasn't been to protect my mother or to be validated by Elliot. I'm happy to finally be the one writing the words to my own story, even if it means venturing into blank pages.

I shift my focus back to the task at hand, piling up my clothes neatly as a lofi playlist plays quietly from my phone. I stare at the organized fabrics in distaste. I'm coming to realize I no longer care for many of my clothes. They're old and dull and awkward, a costume of a boy who has no clue who he is. Maybe it's just another symptom of my identity crisis, or maybe it's growth - I haven't figured it out yet. Ava did mention shopping as one of the two best things about Laurelwood, and I do need a new, warmer jacket. I think about texting her to ask if she'd like to go, but I remember it's a Tuesday and she's probably in class. I've never missed a class before, even in high school. While most of the kids did everything they could to escape the dim, depressing building, it was my only true escape from home. My stellar attendance was just another thing my peers used to mock me for. The more I think about Eastview, the more frustrated with my past-self I become. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, waiting for someone else to push me out into the world, sitting in my sorrow when I could have just stood up. Hindsight's always twenty-twenty, I guess. Feeling motivated, I grab one of my hoodies off the table, throw my denim jacket on over top, and slide into my shoes. A bus should be arriving within the next ten minutes, and I can catch it if I walk fast enough.

It's astonishingly warm for October in Ontario as the sun breaks through the dark clouds, casting light over the downtown Laurelwood shops. Despite the fast approaching winter, the stores and streets are still pristine, like a Hollywood movie set only used as a background. There's so many options, I'm not sure where to begin. I continue to walk down the sidewalk. Even though I'm shopping for new clothes, I can't help but pause at the only shop I recognize; Blooms and Bramble, the flower shop where Crispen surprised me with that gorgeous bouquet of roses. I enter the shop, a bell chiming as I enter. I'm engulfed in earthy, floral scents as I study the various plants and flowers. Five minutes quickly turns into twenty, and I find myself placing bunches of eucalyptus, lavender, and dozens of dried stems on the counter. As the girl at the cash register enters my items, I realize she seems like she could be around my age. Her light brown hair is tied up in a stylish bun, wavy strands falling down by her rosy cheeks. She seems kind, gentle, handling my plants with a caring delicacy.

"Um, this might be weird, but I'm not from around here and I was wondering if you knew any good places to shop for clothes?" I ask. The girl looks up at me with a warm smile.

"Hmm, let me think. There are a few good places on this block, but I'd say the most popular is definitely Azureth - it's a little pricey, but the quality is good," she tells me. "It's just down the street, after the yoga studio."