I'm a Mermaid, Not a Merman

Chapter 13

For the first time, Dani walked around outside, in public, presenting fully as a girl. 

And she loved it.

No one stared at her. No one seemed to think that she was out of place. No, she was... normal. It felt unbelievably freeing. That feeling she'd only had at Lucy and Liam's house now was spreading. Maybe... maybe she would figure everything out with her family, and then school. Then... then she would live the rest of her life... as a girl.

Thinking that far ahead... it was scary. But then she thought about going back to living as a boy. Even just this small time she'd identified as a girl, she felt a notable difference. There were annoyances though - like the realization that if she wore her new skirt, it wouldn't have any pockets for her car keys - and that she shouldn't really eat greasy street food while wearing that.

After walking from her car through crowds of people around center street, she finally found her friends sitting around a fountain. 

"Woah Dani...," Lucy said, "you got a really cute haircut!"

Dani beamed. "Thanks."

"Yeah," Liam said, "I really like it."

"It was getting a bit long and messy," Dani said. 

"Are we going to get food?" Heather said. "You can talk about hair while walking to the food."

"Alright," Lucy dramatically rolled her eyes. "You seem in a good mood today though Dani."

Dani felt a bit sheepish that she'd been so enthusiastic - and she almost let herself say something incriminating.

"I just found out my family's doing something fun," Dani said.

"What?" Lucy asked.

"We're going to Disneyland," Dani grinned.

"Cool," Liam said, "our family doesn't have much going on this summer other than going backpacking."

"You guys are going backpacking," Lucy said, "I don't know how you, Dad, and our cousins can handle it."

Liam laughed. "When our parents first got married," he said, "Dad wanted Lucy to go backpacking with us like we always did - but then... the mosquitos came."

"It was like a biblical plague," Lucy said.

"Oh c'mon," Liam said, "It wasn't that bad."

"You said they wouldn't get in the tent. They got into the tent."

"Well it isn't usually that bad," Liam said. "There's also been the times that there was still snow on the ground... in August."

"Hence why camping is much better in a cabin," Lucy said.

Dani laughed. "That's not camping, that's not blazing the trails of the wild frontier!"

Liam laughed. "We have to follow the trail... that we blaze!"

"That trail that we blaze!" Dani finished the quote.

"Ah," Liam said, "I see you are a lady of culture."

"I do consider myself quite the Disney girl," Dani said, "but some of the old Dreamworks films are far too good to ignore."

"Please don't break out in song," Kendra said, breaking from her conversation with Will, "and decide on what food you want."

They'd come into a parking lot that had been roped off for the food trucks. There was greek food, mexican, a general barbecue place...

"I'm thinking a quesadilla," Heather said.

"Yeah," Will agreed, "I've heard that the Mexican place is really good."

The others seemed to nod in agreement.

"Oh!" Liam pointed to a truck, "it's that one corn dog truck, I've had them, and you've got to try it Dani."

Lucy grabbed her brother's arm, and spoke in a hushed tone. "Liam, you don't ask a girl if she wants to eat corn dogs."

"I like corn dogs," Dani smiled.

"Ugh," Lucy said, "tasteless."

"Because food truck food is high class," Dani laughed.

Standing in line, Dani and Liam returned to the topic of animated movies, and bonded over their mutual frustration that Shrek had ruined the world of 2D animation. That got them talking about Disney related stuff, and then about Dani's upcoming trip. Dani was especially delighted to hear that Liam also, like her, enjoyed the Little Mermaid 2... well, the good parts at least.

Dani was actually impressed with the corn dogs - they looked a bit big... but they also looked very buttery and crispy.

"Maybe...," Dani said, "we could've just shared one."

"Oh," Liam said, "well, I wasn't sure... oh well."

Perhaps Dani would have to pawn off her chips, as she wasn't sure if she could eat all of those either. They walked nearby to a shaded hill beside the local library, where the others had already been eating.

".... just don't see why," Heather said, "anyone would want to be in Hufflepuff."

"Of course a Slytherin would say such things," Lucy rebuffed. "Hufflepuff is for those who are loyal not those who are obsessively competitive."

Dani chuckled as she walked up. "Oh so quaint. Thunderbird is the best."

"Ugh," Will said in an attempt at a British accent, "American witches and wizards..."

"Being an adventurer is far cooler than being just 'brave,'" Dani reasoned. "Your coolest house has only a one note trait."

"I believe," Will said, "that you are referring to Ravenclaw, when you refer to the best house."

"What is this about?" Liam asked.

"Harry Potter," Heather said, "anyway, all of you seek to so thoroughly attack Slytherin, when many fine individuals have come out of the house."

"Yes," Lucy turned to Dani, "and what fine witches and wizards have come out of Ilvermorny in America?"

Drat. They'd gotten her there. "I don't see why we're worse in some sense because the British magic users cannot be bothered with the affairs across the pond."

"And you can't be bothered to give more reason," Lucy said, "because the canon is stretched so thin."

"Ah yes," Heather smirked, "what fine witches and wizards has Hufflepuff produced Lucy?"

"Oh there are -"

"Other than Cedric Diggory."

"Well I think that's besides the point," Lucy said, "are we really...."

Dani suddenly became aware of something. As her friends and her argued about Harry Potter, Liam sat off. Alone.

She glanced to where Heather was now bringing up pieces of Harry Potter lore even Dani didn't know about, and Dani took the opportunity to walk over to Liam.

"Not much of a Harry Potter fan huh?"

"What?" he said distractedly, "um, no, I read the books when I was younger... but kind of forgot most about them... I kind of just read them because people told me I should, and for some book report stuff. I was more of a Percy Jackson kind of guy."

Dani laughed. "Yeah, those books were good."

Liam sat still, and didn't say anything. There was an odd look on his face, after he'd been so vibrant in his conversation before.

"How was the corn dog?" Dani asked.

"Good."

"Yeah...."

Dani looked down at hers - only really half eaten. 

"Can you take care of my chips?"

"Oh... okay I guess," Liam said, taking them from her and opening the bag.

"So... you like camping?" Dani asked.

"Yeah," Liam said. "Not really the part with all the mosquitos though."

Dani laughed. "Well I really like camping too. I haven't gone backpacking before though. My family has really liked going to national parks, like Yosemite."

"Yellowstone is my family's personal favorite," Liam said. "But I like backpacking because of the feeling of just being out there alone. Sometimes at national parks you get tons of people on these big tours of like the southwest or something, and they crowd the place. But when you go out of your way into the wilderness, you can find places that are just... silent. You can see night skies undimmed by any lights. The only sound is the wind flowing through the basins."

Dani laughed. "You should be a poet."

"I...," Liam scratched the back of his head, "Thanks I guess. But yeah. I really love it out there."

"I'd love to do it someday," Dani said. "It sounds like a lot of fun."

Liam was quiet. Dani wasn't sure why. 

"Hey," Dani saw that they'd both finished eating, "it seems like they're kind of wrapped up in their own little wizarding world, do you wanna go look at the chalk art?"

"Oh, um sure."

Walking out onto the parking lot, Liam took Dani's trash, right after she'd finished wiping the remains of grease off her hands, and then they went walking down center street. 

There was a surprising amount of chalk art. There were some really good professional pieces, but there was one that was just being done by a family with younger kids - they seemed to be trying to do one of those wacky perspective ones that looked like the edge of a cliff, but it wasn't done yet.

They found some pieces of art that were themed around Star Wars stuff - like a really cool landscape one of the sunset on Tatooine. There were several from anime that Dani didn't recognize. Then there were the original pieces - many were more abstract, especially as the artists grew more professional. Dani however, personally preferred -

What.

Liam... he... he was holding her hand.

It took a great amount of willpower, but she didn't stop right there and freak out. But still... a boy was holding her hand.

He'd done it as they were crossing a small blocked off street between pieces of art. Dani just... had no idea how to respond. She didn't want to freak out, because she could just feel through how he'd done it that he was very nervous.

That alone felt surprising to her. Liam was bombastic. He was cheerful. That's how he'd always been, up until today when... when he'd been talking to her. Only to her.

He had a crush on her.

This realization threatened to make her stop dead in her tracks once again. If she hadn't started figuring out the transgender stuff before now, this might've made her go insane. But now... she just felt... she didn't know how she felt.

Liam... he was a nice guy. They'd laughed so much together, and seemed to have a lot of common interests... Prior to this moment, Dani had painted him as her favorite of her new friends. Had she brought this on herself? Had she not recognized any signals he was sending her, and that in smiling back, she was accidentally sending her own? She was, herself, very inexperienced with dating, mostly due to her problems. 

Now she didn't know what to do other than continue to hold his hand. In the past, Dani would've quickly pushed off of something that would be considered gay - which she had never considered herself to be. But it wasn't as if she'd felt any special attraction to girls. She'd always just run under the assumption that she was going to date a girl, and then fall in love from there - and that would be when she'd feel attraction.

She'd never considered the possibility of herself being gay - or, if she was trans... well, attracted to guys. 

Desperately Dani tried to think of what to do - and as she usually fell into the trap of doing, thinking too much ahead. She was so, so conflicted. In the past her solution would be to just break it off, and then quietly pretend it had never happened.

But Dani knew at least that she liked Liam as a friend. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. Dani had scarcely had friends in the past - and never had she had any that she did stuff with like this outside of school. And Liam... Liam liked pretending to be a merman. She didn't want to lose a friend that she felt was so special.

But... all of it hinged on one thing: if she wanted to show him a positive response to this. Maybe the lack of any kind of response was already making him nervous. Had she just worn a blank, dead expression on her face this whole time? Maybe he thought she just was doing this to be nice - but she didn't know what to do!

All she felt comfortable doing, for now, was tightening her grip a little bit - if she'd been going through the motions on this, wouldn't she have just held her hand limply? Or what if now that she had done that simple little movement he now felt like she was accepting it?

UUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

They got to the end of where center street was blocked off. It seemed they'd looked at everything. They'd barely said more than brief little comments about the pieces of art they'd passed.

Dani looked to Liam's face. His deep green eyes looked downcast. Like he'd done something wrong. She just... she wished the she could say something... anything.

"Um, thanks for walking with me."

"Oh. You're welcome."

What the heck was that? she thought to herself. That's your attempt at consoling your friend?

"Hey," Dani said, "My legs are kind of tired, is it okay if we sit down somewhere?"

"Okay," Liam said.

They walked back down the way they'd come, finding where center street bordered a park, and Dani relaxed on a wooden bench. She had, in actuality, really wanted to sit.

They still held hands.

How would she go forward with this? Liam now obviously had a crush on her. Any time he'd compliment her it'd be obvious that it was an attempt to get her to like him. And she did like him - but she wasn't sure... if it was in that way.

She glanced to his face again. He was looking out at the bunches of people that were walking down center street. Some people had little stalls set up selling things. Others were working on their chalk drawings.

Liam had really deep green eyes. Most people had a more muted color - her own were some sort of murky blue - but his were striking. She hadn't realized she was staring until he made more direct eye contact.

"Oh sorry," she apologized, "I was just... you have really green eyes."

"Oh," he shrugged. "Yeah, people have mentioned it."

"They look very... handsome."

Her attempt at a compliment felt extremely bad the moment it left her lips. She had almost called them beautiful or something. And had the slow way she'd said it come across as... oddly seductive, like she was some dark and mysterious woman in a movie? Gosh this was so hard...

"You... you look very cute Dani."

Liam's compliment made her skin quiver. She couldn't resist feeling a little happy. She was starting to really like feeling that she was cute. Then she got out of the mental fog, and remembered that a boy, and a boy that was attracted to her had said this.

This is too much, too quickly, her mind said. If you break it off now, it won't mean too much. You can figure this out another time.

But then what was she going to do another time? How was she going to react when they were just floating on the side of the pool, laughing at each other's terrible puns...

She stroked Liam's palm with her thumb. He instantly reacted, sitting up straighter.

"I..., Dani searched for some words. "I... I swear I don't bite."

She tried to lighten the tense atmosphere with a quiet laugh.

"I'm... I'm sorry Dani," he said. "Gosh... I... I just am not very... well, I am not very experienced talking to girls."

"I dunno," Dani said, "I've enjoyed talking to you."

"I just... I know that I should be more subtle about this," Liam said, "but... I like you. I would've asked you out already... but we're basically on a date right now."

Wait.

On a date.

Oh no. She'd eaten food with, gone to an activity with, and held hands with a guy.

She had gone on a date with a guy!!

Dani was frozen for a moment, and then kicked back into action when she saw Liam's face again. He was trying so hard, and clearly struggling... she found herself smiling at him, despite his nervousness.

She had gone on a date with a guy... and that was okay. But she had also chosen to go off alone with him. What did that say about her?

"Look Liam," Dani said, "you don't have to feel nervous. Remember... remember how nervous I was when I walked up to you guys."

"Yeah," his face seemed to lighten up.

"It's okay," Dani nervously laughed. "You're not the only one. I like talking to you. You're... you're the closest friend I've ever had."

His expression softened. She felt a bit timid after saying that, but it was true. He was her best friend. He was kind to her. He laughed with her. He enjoyed swimming in his merman tail. He was... cute. There was something in her then. Some kind of warmth. A... pleasant feeling.

Attraction.

It honestly wasn't something Dani had felt much in her life. From what she'd understood, her condition may have been suppressing her internal drive for such things.

But as she focused on it, and really thought about Liam... it was there. And it felt good.

"I like you Liam."

She didn't know why she'd let the thought become words. But the effect was immediate.

He kissed her.

It was just a brief touch against her lips. But it was still a kiss.

Her first kiss.

It had been from a guy.

From her best friend.

Time seemed to slow. It took her several second to realize that she'd been smiling slightly.

And that realization was the most surprising of all. It... it hadn't been the most terrible thing ever. She had enjoyed it.

Liam seemed to swallow harshly, and then made as if to get up, but Dani kept him sitting.

"I...," she said at a whisper, "... thank you. I'm sorry. It... it was my first time."

"M... mine too," Liam shakily smiled.

That feeling in her was building, and then remained steady. Attraction for a boy. 

"Dani...," he said, "would... would you like to... like go on a real date? Well, like, one that's actually planned?"

"I... " Dani was at a loss for words. She didn't feel ready for this. She was only just discovering this side of herself... she wasn't ready. And so that's what she would have to tell him.

"I'd like that."

Wait what? She hadn't meant to say that! She'd meant... she wanted... Oh no. She did want that.

But no. She had been afraid of being herself before this. She was not going to let her own timidness ruin something.

Something that could be wonderful.