I'm a Mermaid, Not a Merman

Chapter 5

"Hey," Dad said, sitting on the couch next to Mom as they walked into the house, "how was..."

He saw Danny's expression.

"Oh no," Mom asked, "what happened?"

Sammy sighed. "So, Danny was talking to some people...."

Danny walked off. He didn't listen when Mom called him back. He just marched down to the basement and his room, where he buried himself under the covers of his bed. So many thoughts swarmed his mind.

Had it really gotten that bad? He'd been trying to talk in his deeper voice, do all he could to come across as a normal guy, and he'd still been mistaken as a girl. It was his fault all this time. As the saying went, be careful what you wish for.

So often Danny had complained to his parents that whenever they went out in public, people stared at him as an oddity. Something they couldn't place. When they went to a restaurant, the waiter had gotten Mom and Sammy's orders, only to ask what it would be for the "... um... for the rest of you?"

Seeing people staring at him all the time, people staring him down when he used men's restrooms - he'd said that he wished he could just be one or the other, and not be stuck on the fence. Now though, it was leaning to one side of the fence. The incorrect side. 

How on earth was he going to get any girl to go out with him? It was always going to be an awkward situation like that, only he'd be on the other end. He'd ask a girl to go out with him, only to be told that they weren't gay. Then Danny would say he was a boy, and it would just turn the situation awkward and unrecoverable.

Soon Danny was spiraling. His secret life was to be locked away forever. His normal life felt like a winding road to nowhere. That he'd been told that the normal way was not for him, and that he had to figure it out on his own. And he hated it.

"Danny," Mom said opening his door.

"Go away."

Mom sat down on his bed.

"It's okay sweetie."

"No it's not."

"It was a mistake," Mom said, "and most conversations don't go that badly."

"Yeah," Danny said, "they don't go that badly for anyone but me."

Mom sighed, and pressed her hand softly about Danny's body through the covers.

"I don't really know what to say," Mom said. "This is difficult. It's going to be difficult. But you're a strong person Danny. I know that you can get through it."

"It would've gone a lot better," Danny said, "if I'd had my binder."

Mom sighed. "Speaking honestly Danny, the binder... it doesn't... well... it doesn't suddenly make you look more like a boy."

Danny started crying into his pillow. 

"Nothing is wrong with you as a person Danny," Mom said. "Your body may not be working perfectly right, but I know that you have good qualities and talents - you just need to find friends who can see those beyond your appearance."

"I'm sure that all those people out there," Danny said, "would've been my friends if I actually tried. But I don't try. That's what I do. I shut people out. I am the problem, not them."

"You are not a problem Danny. You are a person. Even when you do something wrong, people understand that. Good people, good friends understand that other people are imperfect. Remember that."

"I just want some time alone," Danny said.

"Okay," Mom said. "But before you go to bed, I need to bring up something."

Danny finally made the effort to sit up, wiping his eyes on his shirt. 

"I want you to promise me that you won't wear that binder tonight."

"Fine."

"I don't want to see you in pain like this Danny," Mom said, "but I'm not going to let you hurt yourself just because you don't want to change."

"I know," Danny said. "I've been an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Mom said. "You're going through a difficult time, and having to make difficult decisions. For that, I'm very proud of you, and how you've been able to stand up to it."

"I don't stand," Danny said. "I cower beneath it all."

"And you know what a great mark of strength is?" Mom said, " - pushing aside that self doubt. Accepting that you have flaws, but saying 'I can do better,' rather than beating yourself up for every little mistake."

"I hate myself."

"Da -"

"I hate that I act this way," he said, "that I just default in every moment to making myself feel horrible."

"That is how you've acted and thought in the past," Mom said, "but a behavior does not define who you are. I can equally point to times that we've had fun and laughed together as a family. That to me, is you. And perhaps how you feel right now is part of you as well. But people can change. You, can change. You can do hard things."

Danny accepted a hug, and Mom left him. His pain had numbed. Mom made it sound so simple, but he couldn't see any way out of the stupid complications of his mind. He couldn't see how he could rework the way he thought. But he wanted to feel better about himself. He wanted to be strong.

He wanted to be himself. 

He put on his mermaid tail. There was real contrast in how it felt with it. How he felt like he was living in a dream once again. He wanted to be himself. He wanted more out of his life.

But he had no idea how.