Life is hard [2022 journal and vents]

Hey 9/23/21

T/W mention of sh,unalive thoughts

I've been feeling a lot less ...valid these days. I'm always the one offering advice to love yourself and be yourself. I try to lift my friends up so much..even when I'm secretly hurting. I don't like to speak my emotions out loud often because people have always tossed them aside. I don't seem to have much patience with myself anymore. It's driving me to the edge.

I'm going to be honest ...a long time ago I'd try anything to numb my own pain. I never wanted to unalive myself though because in my mind I feel like that's the quick route. Like I'm showing the evil people that they won the control over my life . 

"Dying is easy young man,living is harder" ( I love Hamilton)

    I used to sh a lot on my thighs and legs but as my scars healed and disappeared,I ease my  pain and trauma with other means mostly art and music. Just listening to some kpop or anime ops in the morning bring me a bit of joy and peace. 

  

I hope to one day actually figure out my sexuality and myself because I never put a label on it. I just want to exist and love someone or someones and be loved and accepted without being laughed at and racially sterotyped. I can't even walk around Wal-Mart ...my favorite place to be ( yes I do have a child like favorite place) that brought me so my comfort through the rough patches in my life without someone following me around. Sheesh I'm not stealing shit get out of my face. It drives me crazy to see how badly people that look like me are treated. That's why yes..black lives do matter a lot. I know yes all life is a sacred thing but until my people can stop being killed,kidnapped,trafficked,and murdered by others and our lives are not at stake in going to keep saying black lives matter proudly. Maybe when we get treated equally and with respect like we're people too I'll say something like all lives matter...But until that shit actually happens BLACK LIVES MATTER