The Disappearance of Samantha Mourey

NINE

I have to stabilize myself on a large boulder that sits nearby. The woman sitting on the top of it, staring at the sky, looks over at me curiously as I take deep breaths and watch Ryan walk away. Ryan. A wave of emotion crashes over me and vivid flashes of my old life that had drifted return. Was this just a vision? Part of the healing process? Why would Ryan be here?

When I first arrived, he was almost all I thought about, but it wasn't helpful, to be in two places. To return healthy, it was, it is, important to be completely present, and trust, and so eventually I did. I stopped thinking about him, or my parents or Jason and Andy being worried. 'It will all work itself out after,' Ama reminded me, and somehow, I knew she was right. But seeing Ryan did something to me in an instant that I couldn't explain. The things I felt were like electric shocks pulsing through my body, and I remembered this was what it felt like before. Part of me wanted to stay in that moment, and the other, to push it away. In an instant I was at war inside myself.

I lowered myself down onto the grass, pushing my palms into the earth and closing my eyes. The smells of maples trees and lilacs drifted in and began to calm me, clear my head to think.

We were supposed to meet each other. We were supposed to meet each other, I repeated again, remembering. Maybe he had followed the same route as me and ended up here. That must be it, I realized. My heart was skipping around in my chest thinking of him spending the time with me here. I wondered if they would let us talk to each other. I thought to myself. He just got here? Does that mean they were right? Days had seemed to pass here, maybe longer, but if Ryan had just arrived, that meant only minutes had passed at home. My trust in this place confirmed even more, I looked at the space where Ryan had just occupied, now the children had returned to playing and the whispers to dissipate.

"A test maybe."

The old woman's voice hitting the silent air like a siren. The words knocked me out of my internal conversation abruptly. I looked around and then up in the direction it came from. The thin old woman sat with her eyes closed on the top of the rock, not looking in my direction.

I hesitated for a moment. "What did you say?"

"Maybe a test for you. What do I know?" she said, shrugging, as if her words hadn't cut into the air like a knife.

"A test for what?" I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders and said nothing further, and I didn't press. We didn't communicate with each other here. It wasn't explicitly said, it was just known. At least I had thought so. I thought about what she had said, repeating the words over and over. A test? Ama had explained, and the manual had gone into detail about it, that the others. About everyone being on their own journey and that 'we don't disturb the journey of others.' My hands trembled and I tucked them underneath my legs to make them stop. Closing my eyes tight, I tried repeating the mantra Ama had given me during one of our first sessions. A meditation of peace and healing. I repeated the chant in my head, over and over and until my hands stopped trembling and then longer still, until my entire body felt centered.

My eyes still closed, I ran my hands through the grass, brushing them back and forth, feeling the soft texture tickle my palms, continuing to chant in my head until my mind was once again quiet. Then, as if just waiting for the space in my head, Ryan was there, sitting next to me on the grass, holding me. I opened my eyes to make him go away. It was all too much.

I thought about finding Ryan or telling Ama or asking her if this were really just a test. It began to seem plausible. How could I ever function in the real world if I couldn't even deal with seeing and interacting with people here. I realized I was not even close to being ready to return if one flood of emotions could infect me so much.