Janurary 1,2013
Im 13 and I have experienced a lot. Through school and out, its hard. Have you ever felt alone and in a deep circle and you can never find your way out? Unfortanly thats my issue. Im in a hole that I have caused myself to fall into. My heart is destroyed , I cut myself , and worst I'm having suicidal thoughts. My life feels like it is over already so I always think to myself why not finish myelf if theirs nothing to live for. Growing up i was abused and hurt. Waking up to abusement and then getting bullied at school. I remember getting called suicidal bitch , suicidacl slut, etc. It hurt and I always said words dont hurt me but they really do, on the inside. Somtimes I wish i could be 18 and have an actual life that I enjoy and one that I can love myself and others in. Right now I hate myself. I Hate what Ihave done to myself and why i am doing it. I feel inloved and hurt in so many ways. I just wish I could start over and be someone I want to be and show people I am more than what they think. Under my black make up and dark clothes is a innicent girl who has a life just like everyone else.When I come home in tears and upset , does my family even realize how bad I am hurt? Words kill me in so many ways and sometimes I have thoughts of suicide becuase of what these people say. Everyone says I cut for attention too. I never show anyone and I keep it to myself because I dont wanna show what I have done. Sometimes I just do it to cry my eyes out . Once im done i feel better. I know I dont want to be like this but its what I am brought to.It is who I become and who I am. If you dont like it I say fuck off. I walk my halls at school alone I think I can do anything by myself. My grandparents don't want to be in my life, well one of my familys sides. and the other is here for me when he comes and visits when thats only a few times a year. Right now I hear my mother talking shit about me on the phone to one of her boyfriends. I feel like just putting a blade to my skin, and crying my eyes out. I feel worthless and I want to just get it over with. I am in the tub now and just thinking of what i've heard is making me cry. I picked up my blade and i did it...I didnt feel it until I looked down at my arm and when i saw what I have done , it killed me on the inside and I felt like doing it on the outside. I stared and a bottle of pills but I knew I couldn't...My mom would destroy herslf. Even though she talks shit and acts like she doesn't fucking care , on the inside she actually does. Now I walked into my bed.. I felt the blood from my arm dripping through the band aid and I knew I did it worse than I ever have. I thought to myself If i should tell someone but I just put more band aids on. I couldnt tell but im done with everything. Im one with life , including me. Everyone that I hang out with eventuallykill themselves or get high on weed or something and never talk to me. I loose friends alot but i try to stuck with some. I need to realize life isnt perfect. Im not perfect. In fact not even close. Should I just stop eating and like go anorexic? What do I do... 120 pounds is fat ! i know my friends dont even try to deny it because they know it is very so true....Well im done for tonight ... Goodbye.
