Seher's Penitence

Seher's Penitence (Part 1)

For even in this darkness, something calls for me to find,
-And cities may all turn to ash, and stone walls fall to time-
My love still lies there buried under silent ice in sleep

- "The Word I Couldn't Keep", by Billie Wildrick

Seher despised herself at the moment! She was doing something so revolting and unimaginable that she herself could not recognise the person she had become! She was trying to separate Yusuf from his doting amca! Whatever her grievances with Yaman might be, he had never been anything but loving and affectionate to Yusuf. He could give up his life to protect his nephew. And Yusuf loved his amca too, very much. He was the father figure Yusuf never had! He looked up to Yaman, in fact, he hero-worshipped him!

She knew she was ultimately fighting a losing battle! A part of her abhorred Yaman with the core of her being, but another part loved him and yearned for him, as a parched land did for summer’s rain.Well, If she was candid and forthright with herself, she could not even loathe him whole heartedly! It was as if she was torn between her conflicting thoughts and feelings and felt trapped by her emotions!! It was akin to drowning in a deep, black, bottomless ocean, wherein he was the storm and he was the shore!

And now, she had done something deceitful, yet again- she had put a sedative in his coffee! She tried to muster all her courage and grit, striving to convince herself that it was just to run away from him and escape his clutches. She absolutely did not want to harm him in any way! SHE COULD NOT. AFTER ALL, SHE STILL LOVED HIM! She was aghast! Where had this thought come from, all of a sudden?? Her traitorous heart was playing games with her, yet again! It was compelling her to trust him and go back to him! But, she could not! She had been profusely hurt once already, and if it happened again, she wouldn't survive the impact! His nearness was a threat to her sanity, prudence and reasoning.

Wiping her sweaty palms on the back of her dress and asking the almighty for forgiveness and redemption for what she was about to do, she went to the living room and offered the sedative laced coffee to Yaman.

She then sat down next to him and peered at him anxiously. A small nagging voice in the back of her head kept needling her to tell Yaman not to drink that accursed coffee, but then her instinct for self preservation kicked in and she willed herself to be silent.

Suddenly, Yusuf, who had been sleeping on the couch nearby, mumbled something incoherent in his sleep. Seher hurriedly got up, kept her coffee cup on the side table, and rushed to him. She bent down to gather him in her arms and whispered to him, "Yusufcim, are you okay?" Yusuf mumbled again in his sleep, as if in the throes of a dream, "Teyze, why can't we live together with amca?I miss him, so much."

Tears of guilt and self disgust pooled in Seher's eyes and when she looked at Yaman across the room, he too was solemn and appeared deeply moved. It seemed he was barely controlling his emotions.

Seher whispered to Yusuf again, "Teyzecim, everything will be alright. Tamam??"

When she received no response, she looked at Yaman and said in a low voice, "He only sleeps properly in the bedroom, where his toys are. I will just tuck him into bed and be right back."

Yaman gave her a nod and asked kindly, "Do you want me to carry ates parçasi to his bed?"

Seher DID NOT want him to enter her one remaining personal space, her sanctum sanctorum, which was her bedroom. She knew once Yaman had been in that room, she would never be able to erase his presence and his smell from there! She was teetering on the brink and was holding onto her last vestiges of composure! His nearness was making her lose her equanimity!