The Tale of Lord Kenneth vol. 1

A Most Unamusing Abduction

“H-how . . . how dare you assault your liege lord?!” Lord Kenneth cried out, “This is madness!”

Before him stood a large figure, wearing dark clothes and a blue ski mask.  “No,” the masked man replied, “This isn’t madness; it’s a slipper,” he held up an actual slipper for Lord Kenneth to see.

Lord Kenneth eyed the slipper with great fear. A certain red mark on his cheek suggested that Lord Kenneth had intimately known this piece of footwear before. The masked man raised his hand and before Lord Kenneth could protest, the slipper fell on his other cheek like hammer to a nail. He shrieked like a little girl, which made the masked man giggle a bit. Lord Kenneth squirmed in his seat, unable to move much due to the ropes that was used to restrain him. The masked man turned away to get something from a large toolbox.

“Please . . .” Lord Kenneth pleaded, “I am a figure of great wealth and stature. I am a true paragon of virtue within the community! I beg of thee . . . release me and I swear no vengeance upon thee!”

Without turning to face him, the masked man replied, “You already swore that you wouldn’t try to escape, and that’s exactly what you tried to do earlier tonight!”

“Well the door was wide open, and what with me legs unbroken and all, it seemed like a shame not to attempt it at least.”

The hooded man finally turned to him. He lifted his mask up slightly and spat in Lord Kenneth’s face.

“I mean, come on! What in heaven’s name did I ever do to you?” Kenneth asked. In front of him, the masked man was clearly trying to decide between various objects, each one looking more sinister than the previous.

“It’s not what you did, but what you didn’t do.” the masked man replied. “So now you’re assaulting me for a perceived wrong doing on my part?! At the risk of being smacked by your heavy slipper yet again, I call this madness!” Lord Kenneth blurted out.

Having resigned to his fate, more or less, Lord Kenneth made one last attempt to save his own skin. “It’s no easy thing to be of noble stock, but I swear it on my mother that I shall right whatever wrong I’ve done . . . after my legs are surgically repaired.”

The masked man got up and the kinky-looking device he was holding drained all the color from Lord Kenneth’s face. “Bugger that,” he said, “I’d rather make you scream some more.”

“No please!”

“Oh yes,”

“NO!”

“There’s no one to hear you for miles! I’m going to enjoy this quite a bit!”

A rapid tapping at the wall caught both men’s attention. A short old man stood at the door, wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas. He slowly approached both of them, waving his walking stick wildly.

“Goddamn it, you boys are keeping the rest of us up! What the fuck is up with all this noise?!” The old man demanded.

“Mister Gamyolo, thank goodness you’re here! This man has abducted me and is preparing to make good on his earlier threats of sodomy!” Lord Kenneth piped in.

Mister Gamyolo turned to Lord Kenneth and smacked him square on the jaw with incomprehensible speed. Even the masked man took a step backwards out of fear.

“Nobody asked you, Kenneth!” Gamyolo yelled.

“Sorry about this,” the masked man apologized in a very submissive tone, “I’ll wrap it up.”

Mister Gamyolo grunted in acknowledgement before turning around and walked out door. With the old man gone, the masked man focused his attention back to Lord Kenneth. Grabbing Kenneth’s finger, he inserted into the device. Before he could turn it on, a loud gunshot was heard. The masked man clutched his chest and fell forward with his face landing right on Lord Kenneth’s crotch.

Unable to stand the sight and the smell of the dead man before him, Lord Kenneth vomited. He continued to do so for three more minutes, not realizing that someone had already untied the ropes. Once he had finished he crawled all the way to the nearby sink, pulled himself up and washed his face. After cleaning himself, he returned to the chair and pondered upon the situation. Then it finally hit him.

“Great Thor’s beard, this masked man is the victim of murder!” Lord Kenneth said out loud.

“Oh wow, whatever gave you that idea?” A sultry female voice replied.

Lord Kenneth turned to find a blonde bombshell leaning up against the wall. Lord Kenneth immediately spied a handgun in her right hand and a cigar in her left.

“I’m confused,” Lord Kenneth admitted.

“Don’t be; I’m here to rescue you, Lord Kenneth,” the blonde said,

“In that case, I am attracted.” Lord Kenneth replied.

Despite the disgust building up, the blonde woman said nothing. Turning her attention back to the hallway and seeing no one, she held out her hand towards Lord Kenneth, who stared at it like it was the finest hand he had ever seen.

“Come with me if you don’t want Old Man Gamyolo kicking your butt again”.