The Tale of Lord Kenneth vol. 1

Journal Entry # 1

Dear journal,

It’s been too long. 

I’ve managed to locate the infamous Lord Kenneth, and yes, he’s as lecherous as they say he is. When I saw him, he was this close to being violated and possibly mutilated. I had half a mind to watch such a fate befall him, but orders are orders. We’ve been on the run for the past three hours. He’s been drinking nonstop since then and to watch him get truly intoxicated is simply astounding. Where he even keeps the alcohol, I’ll never know.

I’ve learned not to pay him too much attention. He’s like an attention starved child; looking at me with puppy dog eyes every time I glance his way. I swear to God, he even licked me once. When I raised my hand, he whimpered and started running around in a circle…wailing loudly as he did. I…had no choice. It was either knock him out or risk being discovered. He kept asking me too many questions as we left his apartment building. Yes, our sources were spot on – whoever it was that wanted him dead; they were content to torture him in his own apartment. Strangely, his neighbors didn’t seem to mind, provided they kept the noise level down.

 Why this man is considered valuable, I’ll never know. He seems like a complete moron. A complete –

.... 

HEY WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS THE PRETTY LADY’S JOURNAL? HELLLLOOOOOO. I AM THE LORD YER LORD, KENNETH. I’VE DOWN A CUP’LA BEERS. I’M STILL FANCIER THAN YOU AND YER MUM. I GOT A CASTLE SOMEWHERE, BUT MY LANDLADY KICKED ME OUT FOR BEING TOO DANG SEXAY. ANYWAY, I’VE GOT A MIND TO –

... 

Dear Journal,

Sorry about that.

The oaf snuck up behind me and grabbed my notebook. It took me a full ten minutes to get it back. A waste of perfectly good tranquilizer darts, if I do say so myself. Oh God, he even drooled all over it. And that handwriting! How atrocious! How is this man even a lord to begin with?! Why, I never –

... 

HEEEEEELLLLLLLLOOOOOO. I AM LORD KENNNNEEEEETH. I IZ WUNTING TO MEETING YUU. PRETTY LADY ANGRY WID ME. HAD TO SHOW MUH DOMINANCE WITH MUH BOXING SKILLZ. KNOCKED DA BIATCH OUT WITH MAH STRUNG ROIGHT HOOK. THAT’LL TEACH YA TO MESS WITH NOBILITY! WHO DA KING, BABY? WHO DA KING?

BESSIE

BESSIE PLEAZ

I’LL TREAT YA WRITE

YER A FINE GOAT…I AINT NEYBER BEEN MOAR SERIOUS IN MAH LIFE.

... 

Dear Journal,

 The little fucker split my lip open. It’s no longer safe to confide in you, at least for now. I’ll update you once we get to the hideout.

-          - Agent 5