Modern Pen Pals | ON HOLD

셋 'set'

It's Friday, therapy day.

A year ago I dreaded Fridays, everybody was always happy for them, because it meant the weekend was near, they could finally relax and enjoy life, even if for a couple of days.

To me Fridays meant having to open up to a stranger, just the thought of it made me anxious, unable to leave my bedsheets for hours. I only opened the shop in the afternoon on Fridays, because of that exact reason.

I would only get up when Elisa got home at lunch hour. Fridays for her meant having to go to the office and present her progress, now she works as a freelancer, coding for games, apps and even websites. She made mine and didn't ask for a cent, that's why for a whole year she would eat for free at Sweet Delilah.

Lisa would get me up by promising to go with me up to Ms Julie's door. And so she did, every Friday for six months.

Now, I look forward to Fridays. Every session, it's a step forward. Every session, Ms Julie helps me realise something about myself or something that surrounds me, I have never considered. I am really grateful for her and Elisa, she was the one to give me the courage to get up and work on myself, for myself.

'Good day, Delilah,' Ms Julie greets as I walk inside her office.

'Good day, Ms Julie,' I greet back sitting on the couch in front of hers.

Her office is extremely beautiful, very simple but the view is spectacular. One of the walls, the one behind me is made of windows, letting us see the entire city.

'How was your week?' she begins.

'It was normal, the shop was busy, but other than that normal.' She looks at me to keep going, so I do, by now I already know what she wants to know, 'I didn't have any panic attack, but I panicked a few time when I was with other people, especially every time Elijah stoped by to meet Elisa.'

'That's great, you have been having less panic attacks as the months go by, last week you had one and before that it had been a couple of weeks,' my therapist affirms looking down a her notebook, 'Have been exercising what I've taught you?'

'Yes, I've been breathing five times when being confronted by someone, or being put in an uncomfortable situation. I just don't understand why I get this nervous around people, when I talk with others everyday in my shop.'

'You are in charge of your shop, it's your place, there people answer to you, so you feel in control, and when you do that you don't panic,' Ms Julie explains.

'So I don't panic when I feel in control?' I question and she nods, 'So, how can I feel in control outside my shop?'

'The only way for you to feel in control outside, it's to know that you can't control everything and it's not your fault what happens beyond your abilities.' If only were that easy.
'How can I feel in control when I can't control everything?'

'True freedom is knowing you can't control everything, when you know that you are able to control your reaction towards it. That's the only thing you can control, how you react to things, how you let others affect you. When you get in control of your feelings, of yourself, you get in control of your own world. And ahead of people who can't control themselves,' she winks. I really enjoy how she isn't very strict, it relaxes me.

'In order to feel in control you must stop trying to control the world, or other people, you can never control other people's thoughts, and start controlling yourself, your thoughts and reactions,' Ms Julie adds.

I don't answer after that, I need to think better about it, interiorise her words. It does make sense, like everything she says, but I can't shake the feeling that I can't do it.