Not a Fan (Wilbur Soot)

My Own Muse

"Actually, I can show you- If you want." Aurora said nervously, looking over her shoulder to the painting still propped against her living room window. She felt a bit of pride as she saw how spot on she had matched the color of his voice. 

"Really? How?" Wilbur asked. She could hear the smile in his words before even looking back. 

"I, um, well." She paused, letting out an awkward laugh. She had no idea what possessed her to be so open with someone, but she couldn't hold herself back. "After we met in the grocery store, I kinda painted you." She finished, looking over to see the cheesiest grin on Wilbur's face. His smile was so bright and wide his big brown eyes were nearly squinted shut from his rising cheeks. 

"You painted me?" He asked, his grin unchanged. 

"I didn't know it was going to be you when I started, but yeah, it ended up being you." Aurora found the words fumbling out haphazardly. She didn't even realize she was opening her door, inviting Wilbur inside, until he accepted the invitation, stepping past her. 

"My furniture doesn't get here until Monday, so don't mind that." She said quietly, walking around Wilbur as he stood dormant in the entry way. She quickly made her way to the painting, holding it against her chest like it was a secret. It may as well be, it was the first thing she had painted in a year. Yet, here she was, showing it to her muse. 

Wilbur continued to stare, his smile now just a shadow on his face. She felt like her anxiety must've spread to him, the tension bouncing off the barren walls. 

"This is what your voice looks like to me." Aurora said quietly, looking down at the painting once more before turning it around for him to see. 

Wilbur stared for a moment before blinking several times. The tension in his forehead relaxed as a light smile appeared on his face, quickly covered by his hand as lifted it to his mouth. 

Aurora was beginning to regret her decision to share something so personal with him. They had been standing like this for at least a minute or two, no words exchanged between them. Aurora couldn't take the silence anymore. 

"Yeah, that's.. that." She said awkwardly, shifting the canvas to set it down. 

"Wait!" Wilbur rushed, stepping closer to hold the painting back up. She felt his large hands, which were impossibly warm, graze hers before she let go, allowing him to hold the painting on his own. 

"Sorry, I just- I'm literally speechless. This is amazing." Wilbur continued. Aurora couldn't tell what she hated more- Wilbur not taking his eyes off of her or not taking his eyes off the painting. Both felt equally uncomfortable, making the pit in the bottom of her stomach churn at the thought of eating her, probably cold, take out. 

"You can have it, if you want." She offered. She had become a bit dependent on the painting in a way, getting rid of it in a sense could help her paint something new. She needed a push to continue her path of becoming Rori again.

"What?" Wilbur asked, his face looked almost hurt as he looked down to her. Aurora realized that Wilbur staring at her was definitely the worse option and quickly averted her gaze to her feet, her mismatched socks offering enough of a distraction. 

"You paid for my dinner. Let this be my thank you." She finally spoke up, slowly raising her head to see Wilbur smiling down at her. She felt like she was shrinking, her arms wrapped around her, her hair covering most her face and torso. 

"I can't help but feel like you're getting the short end of the stick here, but I'm going to have to selfishly accept." Wilbur continued to smile, pulling the painting to his chest. Aurora let out an audible sigh of relief when he accepted. She'd given her friends little doodles and sketches before, but never given away an actual painting. Having someone accept it felt like a step in the right direction somehow. She even got paid for it- in a way. 

"Well, I shouldn't keep you from your dinner any longer. Thank you for the painting and it was lovely to officially meet you, Rori." Wilbur continued, extending a hand. 

"Yeah, of course." Aurora looked over to her bag of take out, no longer craving pad Thai, before lightly shaking his hand back. His hand was calloused and rough, yet so gently, as he held hers. "It was a pleasure to meet you too, Wilbur." She said, looking back to him with a smile. 

Wilbur slowly walked past her and towards the door. He lifted is hand for an awkward wave before opening and closing her front door behind him. Aurora waited to hear the sound of his door closing next door before she let out the breath she had been holding. 

"What the fuck was that?" She asked herself, propping herself up by her elbows against her kitchen counter, the smell of cold Thai food filling her senses. 

That was either the best or worst scenario of what meeting her neighbor could've been, and she had no idea which it was. 

She felt like she was going to be sick from the feeling in her stomach, like her insides were moving? Wiggling? Dancing? Fluttering?

Definitely fluttering. She had butterflies. 

Aurora stood upright, placing her hand on her stomach. It took her more than a moment to recognize it- she felt them. She was feeling something. 

Happiness? Hopefulness? Excitement? She couldn't put a finger on it but she didn't care. She felt something. 

Recognizing this feeling only made it grow, rising from her stomach to her chest. She began feeling a bit overwhelmed as the unfamiliar feeling of her eyes watering took over. 

She was crying. She was finally crying. Her biggest shock, though, was that these were happy tears. She felt like she was being defrosted from a year long Prozac hibernation. Once she started she couldn't stop. The tears rolled endlessly down her cheeks like they were competing with the rain falling outside. 

Aurora let out a squeal of excitement as she continually wiped her cheeks, only to have new tears replace the ones that absorbed into her sleeve. She wasn't sure what had come over her, but she wanted to capture this moment the best way she knew how to. She had to paint it. 

Aurora had always avoided self portraits, never finding anything particularly intriguing about her features. She always viewed herself as average- brown hair, brown eyes, average height and build, nothing spectacular. This moment was different, she wanted to be her own muse. 

Through teary eyes and blurry vision, Aurora pulled out a canvas and sloppily added paints to her palette. She could already see the completed painting in her mind, all she had to do was bring it to life. 

She painted her eyes looking up, her tears turning into rain, as they rolled down her cheeks and fell down to a sidewalk lined with pedestrians holding out umbrellas. Despite the fact she painted herself crying, she painted her eyes squinting into a smile.  Even if it only made sense to her, she wanted the picture to convey how something that everyone else avoids is what she had been waiting for, eager for more. 

Aurora barely finished getting all the immediate cleaning done before she dragged herself upstairs to her semi-deflated air mattress, falling asleep instantaneously, the takeout Wilbur had paid for long forgotten on the kitchen counter. There was nothing like the deep sleep that followed a good cry. 

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(1,292 words) Ahh! It finally happened!